earliest post first | most recent post first

The Topiary Dance
5/30/2018 9:00am

Just when my new houseguests get settled, @Ethel Lawson and her faithful stallion, Thunder, up and disappear! I know Ethel's used to drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds, but we were just about unleash our shovel brigade to take care of this rosebush menace. We've got a whole corral of enchanted shovels, conjured up all Sorcerer's Apprentice style courtesy of Ethel's experience as a part-time prospector, but they're getting antsy penned up inside the fence, pawing at the ground and threatening to tunnel out! I haven't got an idea how to move 'em on and head 'em up, and was counting on Thunder to lend his chompers to the fight.

I may have to take my chances, and shoo these shovels to the savage berm of thorny devils myself. They pose as great a threat to the woods (which I am sworn to protect) as they do the school, and they're only getting more ornery by the day.

The Topiary Dance
5/22/2018 7:54am

Ever since they got a taste of blood meal, those rosebushes have been getting a bit big for their britches. Now it seems they've opened up a kind of portal--a swirling thorny honey trap--to suck in more victims to feed their vampiric need.

Through their rose portal, they've pulled in people from across time and space--like that kindly @Ethel Lawson, who's shacking up in my treehouse, as well as a rash of others pulled from who knows where. There's the handsome @Finn Bennett, the friendly and outgoing @Eliza, the wise @Lydia1990, and even an@A Odd Animal Person.

@Thorny Rivers and his rosebush gang are too smart to drain any victim dry--they just take a scratch here and a pinprick there--raising us like livestock to get their hemoglobin fix. How do we fight back? As a citizen of Timberland, I am religiously opposed to the use of pesticides. Any fight with the rosebushes directly would give them just what they want--a horror of scratches and pokes! But if we don't take a stand, their thorny vines will ensnare the entire campus.

Usually I've got a way with plants, but in this case I'm stumped.

The Topiary Dance
5/21/2018 8:32am

You’re welcome to paddy your horse at the trunk of my treehouse, @Ethel Lawson. You can get your bearings up here while you sample my famous treehouse-roasted coffee. Take the trail off the edge of Woodhull Field and keep you eyes on the treetops. Just be careful of the rosebushes near the edge of the woods—I hear they’re gettin’ a little frisky!

Zephyr Air Transport Inc.
12/23/2017 12:04pm

The Sadie Hawkins is a beautiful sight, floating there above Subliminal Field in the morning light. I'm always partial to this time of year, at the pivot point of our orbit 'round the sun. Of course I loved the yearly Solstice parade, with the gals from Bodhmall Dorm marching around clad in nothing but evergreen boughs, but it's the forest itself that's closest to my heart. The air is still and cold with the sun coming up over the pines and you can see your breath, and that great big airship just sitting in the sky above it.

Captain Alfredo didn't forget my love of coffee, and brought me bags and bags of the finest beans from everywhere Zephyr Air flies. I've got my roaster out of storage and am running it out on the deck of my treehouse, filling the woods with that burnt toast smell. Mmmmmm. It's running right now, and if you follow your nose to it I'll let down the elevator and pull you up for a cup!

I traded some of my home-smoked bacon and maple syrup for the beans, but I've still got plenty to share. Back in Timberland, this time of year is full of ritual feasts marking the change of seasons and light (including a special waffle we only make this time of year), and I'd love to share our traditions and teach you some of our sacred songs. I'll even pull out my saw and sing you a song or two! Listen for its plaintive sigh when you're sniffing the woods for my roasting beans.

Happy new year, everyone!

Mapping Psyhigh
8/9/2017 2:16pm

Well the Great Tree knows I don't mind showing people around my neck of the woods, @Hector Penman, but I find myself concerned about the ways in which such a map of the forest surrounding Psyhigh could be misused.

We've already seen what I would consider "overreach" into the woods by the URBP (Unified Reality Border Police). Their removal of the Sasquatch Lands from the map was a political move aimed specifically at disbarring the Sasquatch from "reality," and it's something I take great umbrage at.

It could be safer for many woodland denizens to never be placed on such a map in the first place. But that's just the sound of this old saw, who's generally far more comfortable traipsin' across the canopy than sitting in a stuffy classroom looking at maps.

4/10/2017 10:27am

I was glad to see that @Louis C. finally contacted his adopted people. This Reality Accident has people more muddled than ever, what with the brainwashing chemicals in the food and water, which is why it's important to stay connected to your story. It's also part of the reason I built this treehouse and spend most of my time in the forest when I'm not in class.

Of course, building tree houses and topping trees comes as natural to me as falling out of bed! But it also means a lot of upkeep this time of year, cleaning the pine needles out of the gutters and replacing wood that's got the rot. But the wind makes my arboreal abode rock gently to and fro, and it's a perfect time to get out my singing saw and play some seasonal Timberland songs, just like we would in the old country.

"Oh, hang on little petals
Hang tight to your branches
Dogwood, Cherry, Magnilolia too!
The Camellias are dumping
Making piles of goo!
The spring wind is strong
And it batters your boughs
Be strong little petals
And listen to my song."

Connect a journal entry to this post

Snake Church
2/28/2017 9:10pm

I wouldn't worry about Snake Church, @Emma808. I trapped a few of them crawling around my trunk, and the fake fangs and contacts came right out.

But I couldn't speak for what might be in the deep way-down. My Timberland ways make me naturally averse to such subterranean settings, and I could not guarantee that something more sinister doesn't dwell down there.

Add a journal entry to Snake Church

Sasquatch Snowball Dance
2/16/2017 7:20pm

The Sasquatch are more elusive than ever, @Louis C., what with the forest crawling with Unified Reality Border Police.

It all started with the border. They kept moving that border back further and further into the woods till they took the Sasquatch Lands off the map entirely. Now they can officially say that the Sasquatch Lands "Do Not Exist," which means they're all illegal. Then they send the URBP agents into the woods at night to try and round them up.

Like there's any way the Sasquatch could be taken by surprise by those URBP agents with their flashlights, tripping over their own nets. They alert the forest in a one hundred yard radius easily.

I have a Transversal Permit for the treehouse, so I'm safe at least. A group of agents did discover my pullrope and rang the bell and I rode the dumbwaiter down and had a talk, but without a warrant they weren't coming up.

Why don't you drop by sometime, @Louis C., and I'll show you around.

Using the World Trees
12/22/2016 12:14am

Have you ever gotten lost in your own back yard? Well, it happened to me in the forest. It's this confounded fog, which alone isn't enough to get me turned around in my own neck of the woods. It was the elves.

Just one or two elves in the vicinity is enough to make you a little confused. But a whole mess of them together creates a magnetic sink hole in the appearophere, and you can find yourself in very unfamiliar territory if you're near the event horizon.

There are specific frequency/disruption agreements with the United Society of Elvenkind, and USE elves wouldn't break those agreements without good reason. Does this have to do with the refugees from @Nate Wilson's Underground Psychic Railroad? Can people actually travel the World Trees, @jarvis? If this is true, the people of Timberland must be told.

Using the World Trees
11/7/2016 9:19am

It's the season when things get a little chillier up in my treehouse. It's time to batten down my windows, start a little fire in my wood stove, brew up cup of pine needle tea and look through my box of memories.

Things I looked at last night include:

1) My first merit badge from Woodscouts (tree etiquette).
2) The Golden Suspenders I won for first place in Treetopping back in Timbertot School.
3) My miniature pine cone collection.
4) A receipt for a ticket to an amusement park ride at the 1931 International Oblique Forestry Faire. The ride is called the "Iggy Drop," and the receipt is signed by an "F. Blinkerhoff."

My grandma collected memorabilia from all the International Oblique Forestry Faires. There's also an old tinted picture postcard of the "Iggy Drop." It looks like a massive ash tree. Apparently customers would enter the tree through a hollow in the roots, then ascend up a large circular staircase concealed inside. Once at the top, riders who tied ropes around their waists and dove off the limbs (from a great height) were promised "the surprise of a lifetime."

I thought this might be of interest to you, @jarvis.

previous 10 >