earliest post first | most recent post first

9/12/2019 8:35pm

Meeting new people, it's always interesting. Especially when you find out you're not meant to exist and that you're basically a glitch in the matrix.

Ahem, anyway, hey! Long time to talk - though I suppose you're used to that by now. Life, and all that good stuff.

Allow me to catch you up to speed:

Me and Ann-Marie found Darren. Woohoo! Success. We've been staying in his.. uh, bunker? thingy? for a while now.

Other Kerry told me he was to be trusted and so I shall. I know I'm not very smart but, hey, I've been kidnapped and almost brutally murdered several times now.

Ann-Marie said dark comedy suits me. :)

Darren is... odd, to say the least. His little bunker is covered in candy wrappers, takeout cartons, and potted plants. He never seems to change out of his red robe and slippers.. I won't judge a man who loves comfort. I yearn for it, after all.

Still nothing from Andro. My Andro, that is. We've been able to keep somewhat regular contact with the Other Andro (i really need better names for them)

And before you wonder, no, I haven't told Ann-Marie about my search for my Andro. I don't know how to explain it to her, explain our past to her.

The wound of her late family is still fresh. I don't want her to have to think of that yet.

Andro... I hope you're out there. I'll find you.

ah, anyway, Darren apparently worked(?) for the government. He found out something he shouldn't have and now.. well... he's on the run with precious, valuable information about multiverse as well as otherworldly creatures?

There's so much out there. So much I will never be able to see, and yet so much I have already seen.

Multiverses are either barely different, or totally different. The one we're conversing with is one that isn't crazy-different, just... slightly? Less wild, I'd say.

They're all friends over there. Me, Ann-Marie, Andro. They're close friends. Andro never snapped, I never went to Psyhigh, Ann-Marie's parents are alive...

I find myself envious of the Other me. He seems like he's got it under control, better than I do anyway. But who can know for sure, you are all stuck with me.

We both have amnesia though (though mine is kind of worse, with what the extra brain damage and all). Found that to be interesting. I don't know what that means.

Andro, if you're reading this... what else can I say? I want to know what happened between us. I hope you're with your cousin, Darren will help keep us safe. Ann-Marie will forgive you, and I will too. I hope you're alright. We need to stick together... if one of us gets caught, by the government, creatures, whatever -- you know what'll happen. I'm sorry, Andro, for whatever happened. Let's talk.

As always, thanks for caring if you do. I'm sorry I haven't done any schoolwork.

Forever yours,
Kerry Crowleys

Connect a journal entry to this post

6/3/2019 9:39pm

Hello, I'm currently in Ann-Marie's car, 2 states over in practically the middle of nowhere. She's asleep in the back, I'll resume driving in a minute, but...

I feel as though I haven't been the best acquaintance and student. And those of you who actually care enough about me to continue reading my increasingly odd journal entries... Well, I've been an unreliable narrator for sure. Hostile at times. Increasingly jumpy and paranoid. And don't get me started on the story that is my life, it just seems to be all over the place.

I haven't done school work, or even showed up to school for more than a year, and yet Psyhigh still treats me with kindness. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts, it feels nice knowing at least someone is rooting for me. :-)

In other news, I've been feeling... strange, yes, but.. happier? Yeah, I feel pretty good. Ann-Marie and I have left town and been on (basically) a road trip since my last post. We're headed to Nevada out of both paranoia and in hopes to find that Darren guy and Andro's cousin, whom, after having another conversation with Andro 2, I've learned is named Riley.

Ann-Marie has also been caught up on the whole, um... multiple us's dilemma, as well as the universe basically trying to frantically fix itself since it knows our very existence is a glitch in the matrix?

*Cue, me trying my very best to stay calm and collected*

I don't know, in a weird way I feel almost comforted by that. Like, hey, turns out I'm not crazy for experiencing the things I've seen. I do have some serious brain damage & amnesia though, ad that's not the universes fault.

Nevada is apparently the place everything goes down, according to alternate universe us. It's where they are currently, and where I need to be. Plus, me and Ann-Marie haven't been able to hang out these past few months... She's my best friend of all time. I'm lucky to have her.

...I'm not sure how to explain to her about trying to find and apologize to Andro, though. All she knows is that I want to talk to him, not that I want to befriend him. He's the cause of her family... y'know. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to her but.. she's understanding. hopefully she'll get it.

I'm gonna go back to driving, and hopefully find a motel to crash in soon. See you whenever I get the chance to post next!

Happy trails!
Kerry Crowleys.

Connect a journal entry to this post

5/14/2019 2:31pm

As I look out my window, I wonder what more can happen? Have I taken everything for granted? Have I lost my chance to be someone? Overcast skies.

I walked around my hometown and everybody was looking at me. What do they know that I don't? What happened to me? I broke my glasses but when I woke up they were fine. The birds are dying. My mom wont talk to me about anything from the past. She looks right through me. My sister's number goes to voicemail.

Something isn't right, I don't belong here and they know it. I don't even know if she's my real mother. I had an epiphany and now I'm staying at Ann-Marie's place. She's the only person I trust right now.. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I talked with Andro. Maybe. I don't know what's going on. I talked with someone and all it did was leave me more questions than answers. Sorry, this is very out of control, I can't understand my own thoughts right now. I'm a paranoid mess. I haven't slept in days. I feel out of control. Ann-Marie is trying her best to keep me calm but I can't think right.

Here's our conversation. We did it in a chatroom I got linked thru email/, on 5/8/19

ME: ?

A: hey

ME: Hi?
ME: What is this?

A: um
A: kind of hard to explain hahaha
A: ok, have you ever heard of multiverse theory?

ME: Sure? Who are you, what does this matter?
ME: Ann-Marie?

A: nah its not ann marie
A: its andro

ME: w
ME: wait andro? ?/
ME: where are you? what is going on ? have you seen my journal entries?

A: no man i told you. multiverse theory.
A: i told you it's hard to explain. you and i have never met but you've met, like..
A: the OTHER me. from your universe

ME: i dont understand.

A: i told kerry im not the one for this job ugh ok

ME: ???

A: just listen
A: there are multiple dimensions, right? and you and i are from different ones. i'm technically breaking the laws of reality by talking to you but.. we know a guy who's good at making wormholes and paradoxes and whatever
A: you, kerry crowleys, are a universal constant. along with me, andro ellis, and ann-marie rondwell. us 3 are in every single universe ever

ME: Is this a joke?

A: bruh what would i gain

ME: I don't know. I haven't met a lot of people I can trust..
ME: Besides, how do I know you're even Andro?

A: i am andro im just not YOUR andro.
A: i don't like who i am in your universe but yknow i cant do anything about that mess

[ he sent an image (selfie) of himself to me. it's him ]

ME: This is a lot to take in.
ME: If you're telling the truth, I'm just wondering.. why?
ME: Why are we so important that existence itself is creating trillions of copies of us across multiple galaxies, omniverses, etc. ?
ME: I don't know if you know this but the one where I'm at isn't the best place to be. I didn't want this life. It's as if the universe is trying to build around me, trying to fix it's error in real time.
ME: Am I meant to exist?

A: you and my kerry are so similar. we're all the same people even if we're separate beings i guess.. crazy
A: i don't have all the answers i just don't like to see you suffer
A: heres what i do know - your andro IS alive, cuz if he wasn't i probably would cease to exist as well

ME: when one of us dies, all of us die?

A: yeah

ME: ...

A: i know it doesnt make a lot of sense
A: in a broader sense, we control the universe... in the smallest way possible
A: i dont know if andro 2 knows about this
A: man, he's something else

ME: I feel bad for him. Do you know where he is? I just want to say sorry and make amends.

A: i've talked to him before but he's just.. nothing like me. he didn't believe what i told him.
A: ann-marie tried to talk to herself too before but they got annoyed with each other fast
A: you're really the only one who's heard me out
A: reliable kerry. always so willing to listen <3

ME: Thanks.
ME: I just figure crazier things have happened, why not believe in multiple realities?
ME: Wait, do you know if I ever was actually a bird? What was that about??
ME: Who am I in your world?

A: i'm gonna leave that bird thing open ended cause i don't wanna get involved in your brain damage trauma
A: but uh, you're.. really smart i guess? and nice. you're my best friend. we're all in high school. youre kind of the same but without all the brain damage lol
A: strange things started happening and we ended up learning about this mess and are probably on the government's most wanted...? oops.

ME: Doesn't sound like things are going any better for you all..

A: you've got it bad too though. i hope you can reason with... me.
A: also i forgot to mention the guy we're with who showed us all this wormhole paradox multiverse whatchamacallit is also a universal constant along with us 3.
A: he's just like. some genius weirdo outcast but he's cool. he's like 30
A: his name's darren you should go find him

ME: Great, more people to find...
ME: This is a lot to process, so I have to find Andro's cousin(?) to find Andro, try to make amends, fix the timeline before one of us dies (more possible than I'd like to admit), find this Darren fellow, and try to explain all of this to Ann-Marie.

A: yep

ME: Wonderful...

A: hey, good luck buddy.
A: i'll get going i have my own situation to deal with
A: i'll say this tho - i wouldn't trust anyone except the people directly tied to you. that town doesnt feel right

ME: Wait, what about the town?

A: mama aint mama
A: ok bye

ME: hold on can you not be so cryptic???
ME: hello?
ME: God, all Andros are the same I guess. You're all obsessed with FREAKING ME OUT.

A: lol it'll make sense soon

ME: okay
ME: thank you andro

A: no problem. it's nice talking to you.


I have a lot to do,
Kerry Crowleys.

Connect a journal entry to this post

5/2/2019 4:44pm

Looking back on the past is interesting and, for some, maybe a little depressing.

In my case it's a little bit of both. Accepting my amnesia and the fact I quite literally don't know anything about myself has been all types of stressful and exciting. The point of this post is my mom found a pink box covered in stickers and curly writing that said - "memories box". She knew exactly what it was and seemed excited to see it and show me things.

A lot of what was inside was just random trinkets that probably once held significant value to me - things like seashell necklaces, old dried leaves, pressed flowers, etc. These items that once met something sentimental to me now mean nothing... That makes me feel guilty.

There were only a couple things that intrigued me; an old yellow journal that when opened stated it belonged to yours truly, and several photographs.

One in particular was of me and... Andro. It's just us at a park, fireworks in the background night sky, arms around each others shoulders. We're smiling and laughing. It looked like a good time.

The photo had a handwritten date on the bottom, "4TH OF JULY, '09". He was a cute kid.

Another photo of me, Andro, and a girl playing. My mom told me she was Andro's sister, or cousin or something. A relative.

Another photo of me, my sister, and mother. A family photo of sorts.

Another one of just me alone. I was a little older in this, maybe a teen. It's a candid photo I assume my mom took of me waiting for the bus. I basically look exactly the same as I do now, glasses, hairstyle and all.

Back to my journal: It's a yellow book, written on the cover in skinny black text says "summer yellow". Not sure if I wrote that or if the book just, like, came like that. Still, there are quite a few pages filled to the brim with my own writing and I'm very curious to know what I wrote about before... whatever happened to me.

Andro and our other friends ought to have been written about. I was probably embarrassed to admit it back in the day but, yeah it's totally just a diary that I wrote everything in. Oh, young Kerry, how adorable you probably were.

Just skimming over some pages now, I have the same handwriting as I did back then (save a few mild differences). I find that interestingly sad, like I still am the same person even if I cannot remember anything. Ah, whatever, I'll post if I find anything important. :-)

...I can't stop looking at that 4th of July picture. It makes me wonder about Andro now, and myself. What happened to us to bring us here? What turned me into a lonely recluse cruisin' on autopilot, blindly following delusion after delusion? What turned Andro into this "Ellipsis" character, who hates and stalks me? It's hard to accept that these 2 innocent best friends could just.. evolve into 2 completely different people. I'm sorry, Andro. I'll scan and email the photo to you, if you even still use that account.

Have a wonderful May,
Kerry Crowleys.

Connect a journal entry to this post

4/1/2019 5:21pm

I, and I cannot stress this enough, HATE April Fool's day.

There's a salesman who keeps coming to our door. He knocks 3 times exactly, and if you don't answer he waits before ringing the doorbell another 3 times. He leaves, and then approx. 30 minutes later he comes back and repeats this process.

I've answered the door to him 6 times. This is not a normal man, if you couldn't already tell. I literally cannot comprehend what he looks like, my eyes can't focus on his facial features no matter how much I try. It's just blurry nothingness, a swirling vortex of blended flesh. When I attempt to look him in the face I feel uneasy and nauseous.

He comes to you wearing a black pinstripe business suit, white collared undershirt, completed with a black tie. Sometimes he appears with a trilby, sometimes not. He attempted to sell me something in his briefcase each time but never once had he actually shown me what he's selling - just various explanations on how said product will fix all my problems (no matter the problem I'm having, he says the product will fix it.)

He. Keeps. Coming. Back.

I told my mom and sister to not bother answering the door. They took it lightly at first, but now we're all relatively freaked out and annoyed.

I'm not going to buy whatever this man is selling. If this is an April Fool's prank (which i kinda doubt) then you have waaay too much free time to keep coming to the same exact house and harassing us.

Is this man benevolent or malicious? Why does he want me to buy his suitcase so badly? Why does looking directly at him make me feel 3 seconds away from passing out?

... aaand he's back. Screw it, I'm talking to him. brb!

Okay, I just got finished speaking to the man. I basically just asked him what his deal was, and he totally ignored me and went back to speaking about his product. I told him yet again I wasn't interested, and that I'm not going to answer the door anymore. He told me to have a nice night. Yikes.

Well I guess this is just how my April first is going to go. Happy April Fools, everyone. Don't play cruel pranks & don't send cryptic salesmen to peoples homes, because my brain cells are all slowly fizzling out every time I hear a doorbell ring.

Knock knock knock,
Kerry Crowleys.

Connect a journal entry to this post

3/25/2019 7:24pm

Inching my way back to normalcy is difficult.

Every day is a new challenge - a challenge in which I try not to freak out at the slightest thing and, of course, fail. My mom has been a great support, as have been Ann-Marie and Abe (whenever they can find the time to visit, that is).

Still, It's going to be a long while before I can accept that this is just... who I am now. I am Kerry Crowleys, a teenage boy with psychological problems, amnesia, and identity issues. Simple enough, right? Yeah.

...Aaanyways, on a lighter note, I talked to someone yesterday. My sister! Did you know I had a sister? Probably not. I sure didn't. God it's hot in here.

So, yeah, sister. Her name's Kelsey and she's older than me, in her mid 20s. She lives in another state, but told me she's coming to visit real soon. She.. actually cried while on the phone. She sounded so happy to hear my voice. It's honestly really weird to experience this.

I can't help but feel guilty. These people - well, my family (still getting used to that) - all know me. They raised me, or grew up alongside me, all have feelings for me... that I just can't requite. I don't remember these people and now I have to get used to living with them as if I'm a total stranger. I feel awful thinking about that.

i haven't slept in a while. i keep seeing eyes in my walls. downing coffee #9 now.

I am okay. I have everything under control. I can get through this. I am okay.

... You know, hopefully sometime soon I'm gonna start believing in those things I tell myself. Jesus, how long have I been writing this? GET IT TOGETHER, CROWLEYS.

Andro. I can't help but wonder what you're doing now. Sleeping? Working? uh, waiting for me? Okay writing that last part out makes me sound dumb but... I don't know. I do think I've cracked the code on why I feel so empty without you. These people, my mom, my sister, this neighborhood. I don't know them like I know you. Or, well, at least how you are now. I cling to what is familiar and hide once I feel uncomfortable by something new. That's my problem. Write back soon, okay? I feel pathetic writing one-sided letters to you but I don't know what else to do.

I'm crashing. I need sleep now. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my journals, if anyone still does... I'm not the most reliable narrator and I become more unreliable as days go by. I'm also a narrator who never stops rambling so I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Thank you,
Kerry Crowleys.

Connect a journal entry to this post

3/22/2019 3:13pm

andro. that's your name, isn't it?

back when we were younger we knew each other. my family said i acted different ever since we met. for better or worse, i'll never know.

i don't know if you're the cause of my amnesia. my... psychological problems and my physical problems. i still don't know what you want from me.

we were friends when we were kids. we went our separate ways. sometimes friends drift. that's normal, it happens to everyone

you didn't do anything. and even if you did, i can't remember anything, i don't hold anything against you from the past.

andro, i want to learn more about you. what drove you to start hurting people?

i stopped posting journal entries after meeting abe because he told me things about myself i couldn't remember. he let me call my mom and talk to her. i actually talked to her! andro, you have to remember her too, right?

i came to the conclusion this school is bad for me. if i am "gifted" i should keep it to myself. i had a life before this place and i want to get back to it. i wanted to go home for the first time in years because i finally knew where home was.

ann-marie found me. i feel terrible for leaving her worried. she found me and i told her not to worry anymore and that i've been okay this whole time. better than okay. i was the happiest i've ever been. i told her not to post on this website anymore and return back to her life. she did

and, suddenly, normalcy was, well, my normal. i hadn't heard from you in months. i was ecstatic. everything terrible that had happened to me in the past year felt like a distant memory. trauma i'd recovered from.

my mom told me as much about you as she could remember. me and you were really close - she said "conjoined at the hip". we were friends until around 8th grade and then we just stopped one day. i don't know why and neither does she. do you remember?

it was going great until last week. i woke up in my bed in my mom's house as usual. i go downstairs to get ready for the day and while as i stare at myself in the mirror it just dawns on me. i miss you

i miss you andro. and not as my ex childhood friend who i can't remember, i miss "ellipsis". i miss this character you're playing who hates me, who hates my friends, who just wants to do nothing but torture me. you want me to suffer, and i miss you.

i know i should hate you for everything you've done but i can't bring myself to do it. i don't understand this and that makes me afraid

i think i miss the thrill of the hunt, learning more information about you. it felt like i was chasing you. i knew i would never be alone because i had you over my shoulder. i had no privacy when you were around and at the time i hated that but now i miss that feeling. you always knew where i was at every moment i was at that school, what changed? why did you stop looking for me. what did i do to make you stop? i don't understand, ellipsis. andro. whoever you are now. i want to talk to you again.

where did you go??

i learned something else. my name is kerry
but you already knew that, right?

forever yours,
kerry crowleys

Connect a journal entry to this post

8/24/2018 3:27pm

chapter 4
eros v. thanatos
"stop attempting to fight urges - we are animals.
fucking accept it, puss--"


Connect a journal entry to this post

6/17/2018 11:25am


Only last night he felt deadly sick, and, after a great deal of pain, two black crows flew out of his mouth and took wing from the room.
Gesta Romanorum—Tale XLV.


Connect a journal entry to this post

5/27/2018 11:31pm

i found him

Connect a journal entry to this post

previous 10 >