EXPERIMENT 1.0 - UNLOCKING IMMORTALITY IN THE HOMARUS

0800 : Subject A, a three year old male Homarus americanus in the stages of molting, is fitted with a Telepathic Linkage Head Cradle, which is then connected to the tester (Julia Nye). Initial psychic conditions measured as such:
Subject A is in a state of confusion (most likely due to the new environment) and exhaustion (most likely due to the energy taxing process of molting). Repeated psychic messages of; "Where Am", "Time To Molt", and "Molt Is Hard, Wow!".

0805 : 75 gallon tank is filled with 74.5 gallons of purified water and .5 gallons of Monster brand energy drink (flavor: Ultra Blue) to provide energy during molt. Subject A's psychic conditions remain stable.

0825 : Subject A is placed into 75 gallon tank. Subject A's psychic conditions reflect surprise and delight (most likely from change in environment). Repeated psychic messages of; "Back At Wet Home, Wow!" and "Wet Time".

0830 : After 5 minutes of submersion, exhaustion has subsided, and Subject A has become more active in the tank. Subject A's psychic state changes. Repeated psychic messages of; "Wet Home Taste Good, Wow!" and "Molt Easy!".

0835 : After 5 more minutes of submersion, Subject A continues to increase in activity, moving side to side in the tank quickly. Psychic state reflects excitement. Repeated psychic messages of; "Wow wOw woW" and "Moving Fun Very Fun!"

0840 : After 5 more minutes of submersion, Subject A's activity continues to increase, bordering on aggression. Subject A moves in the tank so quickly as to cause spillage. Psychic state is frantic. Repeated psychic messages of; "FAST FAST FAST" and "GO TIME".

0843 : Subject A cuts the wires of the TLHC with its pincers and punches a hole in the tank. Subject A exits through this hole and evades the tester. Current location of Subject A is unknown. Last psychic messages received by the tester as follows; "FREEDOM CALLS ME" and "MUST LEAVE WET HOME".

end of experiment log.
attempts to locate Subject A are in motion.

@Ms. Hazeltine , sorry to inform you, but a subject of my experiments escaped. Subject A is a (potentially aggressive) lobster. If you happen to find Subject A, please return them to me.

Oh dear yes, Julie. Do you think it will stray outside? If so I think the groundskeeping crew should be informed.

Remember that all students are required to stay within campus buildings and the temporary habitrail tubes connecting them during this grounds maintenance period. For their own protection. Due to the various psychotoxins and “death rays” being employed, experimental and otherwise, by the groundskeeping crew.

Sincerely,

A. Hazeltine
Student Activities Coordinator

UPDATE ON SUBJECT A

Through investigative processes, Subject A has been confirmed to be trapped in the Psychic Sciences wing.

Experiment 1.0 appears to have increased Subject A's physical capabilities, especially in the areas of strength and speed. Subject A continuously evades the tester (Julia Nye) in any attempted direct means of re-capture.

Attempts to re-capture Subject A with bait (16 fl oz Monster Ultra Blue) have shown limited success, but current methods of containment (Petmate® Compass Fashion Pet Carrier) have been repeatedly breached by Subject A.

The search for a better method of containment is in motion.

Experiments will continue when Subject A has been successfully captured.

So everybody knows the best pop machine on campus is in the PsyScience Wing. Since they fill it with their own recipes, but also a full selection of Mountain Dew variants.

So I’m there (sobbing—don’t ask) and trying to get the reader to register my encrypted third-eye handshake (which is hard, because of all the tears) when this totally aggressive lobster shoots out from under the machine and starts snapping its claws at me.

So I know that @Janitor Pete is busy outside with the groundskeeping, so who do we report aggressive lobsters inside the building to?

UPDATE ON SUBJECT A

Investigative processes have revealed that Subject A frequents the vending machines of the Psyscience wing. With this knowledge, a method of containment capable of luring Subject A has been made.

The Homarus monstericus Containment Unit (HmCU) resembles a
Seaga Infinity INF4S Snack Vending Machine and is stocked with Monster Ultra Blue (and several Mountain Dew Frostbite energy drinks to add variety). Upon the entrance of Subject A, the vending machine will lock and Subject A will be unable to escape.

A caution to all students, please refrain using the HmCU, as the locking mechanisms could identify a hand entering the vending machine as Subject A and activate. The Tester (Julia Nye) is not to be held accountable for any sprained wrists, broken metacarpals, dismembered fingers, or any other injuries sustained from the misuse of the HmCU.

Effectiveness of the HmCU is untested, but outlook for the capture of Subject A is good.

Experiments will continue when Subject A has been re-captured.

I guess I was late on reading the announcement, but I came to the soda machine in the Psyience wing in search of the elusive Mountain Dew Pitch Black Energy Zero Ultra, manufactured in PepsiCo's secret brewery on Monster Island, north of Japan. Only a few cases get made each year, and I heard that this machine had it.

So I see it there and I buy it but somehow it got stuck in the machine, so, after trying to rock the machine back and forth (it's too big and I am small) I had no other choice but to stick my hand up in there, and all of the sudden CLICK! KRONK! something clamped around my wrist and now I'm stuck. I was able to get to my phone with my other hand and that's when I found out about the booby trapped HmCU.

Now I'm stuck here, and I see a sinister pair of red glowing eyes peeking out from under the French Fry and Milkshake vending machine across the hall. I tried the "If you have problems with this machine" hotline number that's on the machine but could only leave a voice mail.

UPDATE ON SUBJECT A AND THE HmCU

Due to a mishap with the HmCU, there will be no further use of the HmCU as a method of containment. All locking and trapping mechanisms have been disarmed, but the HmCU still works as a vending machine. The Tester (Julia Nye) plans to use all revenue generated in future experiments. Students using the HmCU should still exercise caution when retrieving items and should avoid reaching too far into the machine.

@Candice Jackson, the student involved in the mishap, was given a Mountain Dew Pitch Black Energy Zero Ultra and an Olive Garden gift card (containing $12.37) to ease any issues caused by misuse of the HmCU.

Investigative processes have revealed Subject A continues to dwell near the vending machines in the PsyScience wing. Surveillance has been increased in this area. Currently, vending machines are being given anti-lobster measures. The Tester believes that if Subject A's access to energy drinks is restricted, physical capability will be reduced and Subject A will become easier to capture.

Those entering the PsyScience wing may request Lobster Repellent from the Tester.

Experiments will continue once Subject A has been re-captured.

UPDATE ON SUBJECT A (and small update for the HmCU)

0300: The Tester (Julia Nye) sits in position near the vending machines of the PsyScience wing. At this point, Subject A has gone five days without access to any form of energy drink.

0342: Subject A is spotted in the PsyScience wing near the vending machines. Movement appears slowed. Subject A approaches the HmCU.

0343: Upon contact with Subject A, the HmCU emits the sound of lobster claws snapping and clacking; SnaP ClacK-ClaCk. This roughly translates to "Back off". Subject A retreats.

Over the course of ten minutes, Subject A attempts to access the other vending machines, meeting the same snapping and clacking.

0353: Subject A begins to slowly crawl away. The Tester approaches Subject A and successfully captures them.

0357: Subject A is moved into a 75 gallon tank (no Monster Ultra Blue or other energy drink added).

Currently, attempts to contact a professional Lobster Behaviorist / Psychologist are in motion. Subject A continues to long for Monster Ultra Blue.

Experiments will soon pick up again, but seeing how Subject A has been affected by Experiment 1.0, a new subject will be hired from the Lobster's Union.

In other news, the Tester is open to requests for new drinks to be put in the HmCU.

Hello yes I am replying to your ad on the Psychic Lobster Behavioral Psychologist Employment Opportunities message board and am interested in applying for the position.

I have most recently successfully completed therapy with Larry the Lobster of Kingston SE, South Australia, known for terrorizing the local community with his tremendous size and negative attitude. Larry has now been released on probation and is beginning his reintegration into society. Previously I was awarded the title of “Most Compassionate” in my role as head of Crustacean Relations (CR) at Joe’s Crab Shack International.

I am always looking for ways to “give back” to the disturbed lobster community and think I would be an ideal fit for this position.

Resume and references attached.

Firmly,

Dr. Fermelda B. Boilin LCLP
(Licensed Clinical Lobster Psychologist)