Prof. Fakanami's Customer Growing Club

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Matching by Mattie
- 6/23/2015 12:24pm

Customer Growing Club Potential Members:

Today will be our first meeting! OMG, it'll be so much fun! Be sure to stop by the freaky looking willow tree (you know the one) and experiment with creating the target audience you've dreamed about! If you're, like, totally confused about what I'm talking about, this club is going to focus on the ideas outlined in an article by of my new favorite authority figure, Dean Hammer. You can read it here:

So excited to meet some more of my fans face-to-face, and possibly create some with my offical Calabash Pocket Universe! For now there is no entrance fee for joining the club. (That might change if there are eager hoards trying to join in order to meet me, as I predict will happen) Equipment will be provided for FREE by the wonderful Prof. Fakanami, who has been forced -- er, I mean "convinced" -- to be our club's adult sponser. Apparently, like, every club needs one. I know, it's like totally lame, but he's more into science than students so Fakanami will probs just ignore us most the time. Don't worry my fantabulous readers! I won't let anybody cramp our style!

To re-cap; first meeting today. No entrance fee. No equipment required. Bring a friend. Bring a photo of me if you want it autographed. We start at around 2. Everybody is welcome to join (omitting my 47 ex-boyfriends). Wear something cute, but washable. See you all there!

With love,


- 6/23/2015 2:31pm

After two excellent games of chess, the score is 1-1... We'll have to schedule a few more matches soon! Although Nobody spent most of the time correcting my moves, I don't think I've quite got the rules down... My win was mostly down to Claude, taking my side of the board, giving me advice... Maybe we can start a games club, or you know, keep meeting with just us. And uh, Claude of course! He seems to be warming to me.

Haha, @Morris, I almost forgot you and @Scilph were an item now...

Well, here I am, the sign does say 'New: Customer Growing Club'. There's also a smaller sign on the window, saying 'Form a queue, no line cutting!!'. I'm looking around but, it's quite surreal, I can hear the wind whistling, through all the um, empty space and uh, I seem to be the only one here.

Holy heck, is that a dust ball? Those exist? Oh jeez, sorry sir. No, I know it was rude. Dust balls are a perfectly valid form. I'm sorry if your species receives discrimination. Yes. Yes sir. No, I'm not taking your class. I see you're in a rush.

Um... So I've managed to offend a teacher... I don't want to offend Mattie either, is my tshirt cute enough? Wasn't that a requirement? Ah well.

The door won't- It seems rusted shut- *Falls through the door*

- 6/23/2015 2:52pm

{Geez. This place is DESOLATE-- except for me, and Walls. Mattie hasn't SHOWED UP YET. O-kaaay...}

{By the way, Walls seems like a pretty nice guy. We're getting along great. He likes board games and such, and we played checkers a bit (it's the only game I know how to play). He's also got a nice T-shirt. He asked me if it was "cute". That did make me chuckle. Okay, GIGGLE a bit. That doesn't sound manly. Oi.}

{He's great, a real riot. Awesome at games, kinda timid... like Scilph. I'm sure they'd get along as well. Eralonia also tagged along and played backgammon, chess, etc. They tied. At least that's taking her mind off of the video... she's trying to learn how to walk on her hind legs now. She isn't quite anthropomorphic, but she's persistent. I'm sure she'll get the hang of it, maybe start wearing clothes too.}

~Morris, Walls! Looklooklook! I am doing it correctly!~

{Wow, that's impressive. Good job.}

*falls over* ~oof! Soon I will be able to do it correctly. Then you will have to help me take this wretched collar off. I hated this silver bell, and you know that sickly GREEN is not my color!~

{I don't think I will.}

~What?! WHY? It's undignified!~


*gulp*~Point taken... *mumbling* but you didn't even have enough money to buy them clothes...~

{What was that?}



- 6/23/2015 3:23pm

Well, even if @Matching by Mattie is nowhere to be seen, this club has been a laugh so far. Me and @Morris were a bit reluctant to touch any of the equipment set up, and honestly it was a little intimidating, all those needles and electrodes and little static metal balls, even a distillery? The liquid inside it was red. No idea what that's for.

After a couple rounds of checkers, and Erelonia showing me a truly awful cat video, (I swear, a couple tears would have been shed if I had tear ducts) we started to investigate. Maybe a little less mature than investigating.

~I thought you were playing with the bunsen burners, showing off how little you could feel them?~

Haha, Erelonia, you got it all wrong, you're still traumatised. ((Mattie can't know??))

~Right, like she isn't going to read this. *Rolls eyes*~

Um. Anyway, the important thing is that Morris says my tshirt is definitely cute enough to be here. I mean, he was laughing, was it sarcasm? Erelonia seemed to be holding back laughter too. Still unsure about it. @Pacifica seems busy, but @Scilph should definitely make an appearance, for a third opinion. PLUS, it's been proven that me and Morris are equally matched when it comes to flames and uh, not feeling them. Also we might have burned the ceiling a little. And some bean bag thingies exploded when I threw one at Morris. Then we uh, exploded the rest of them. It was an accident! {Mate, I'm sorry but we have to own up to it! Mattie won't be too mad uh, I think...}

Also, where is Prof. Fakanami?

- 6/23/2015 3:39pm

{Walls, it's not sarcasm when I say your shirt is cute. Yeah, I seriously do like it, man. Don't tell anyone I said that. I have a rep to uphold. By the way, Eralonia is thrilled that you share the same feelings as her with the video, Trois Petits Chats. I don't know why, but she loves being sad with other people.}

~It gives me a sense of friendship. Walls is truly a good companion. Keep this one, Morris. By the way, you're spelling my name wrong.~

{Eralonia, that's rude. Cut it out. Alright... I'm sure Scilph may turn up, and bring Blackie (With his new Bronze lining) as well. It'll be fun, even more so if Mattie doesn't show up. I'm sure she's trying to be "fashionably late" or something. I don't think we'll ever figure her out. Also, it was fun when we exploded the bean bags. If I could drool when I was laughing, I would have. Even Eralonia seemed to be having some fun.}

~What's that supposed to mean?~

{Uhm... oh, hey. You can walk on your back paws now.}

~Yes, I can! No more four-legs. My hind legs have naturally compressed so I can easily walk on two paws. Now all I need is a nice dress.~

{Good for you. *phew* Anyway, Mattie had better be here soon. All we've done so far is mess with the burners, play board games, and explode beanbags. Actually, It's been pretty fun.}

~But the room feels not AS lively if Mattie were not here. Ah, well. This is nice too.~

{? Eralonia...}


{Why are there over 1,500 dollars charged to my Creddit Carde?!}

~..Uhm... I maaaaay have order five more dolls from

{AUGH! You're killing me even more, Era....}


- 6/23/2015 4:00pm

{What? The meeting is underneath the Willow tree?! Oooohhhh....}

{That explains a lot. C'mon, Walls... let's head out to the Willow Tree. It's weird, because a lot of signs pointed here (big florescent ones with hearts that said "THIS WAY"... hell, they were pointing in a lotta directions.) Let's go out to the tree...}

*A few minutes later*

{We met up with Atlantica and Pacifica (who REALLY looked like she didn't want to be here) and someone else who Atlantica introduced as Trish Larry. He said his name was Trash Lord. That's quite the name. Oh, Scilph also showed up. Looking at her now is making me feel funny. My heart can't beat, so I didn't feel that... I don't have a functioning stomach, so that wasn't doing somersaults... just a strange vibe. Ugh. Makes me shiver.}

{Mattie is not here, still. Hm. I think I should just bring everyone back to the classroom and play board games, mess with the burners, and explode some more beanbags. Now THAT was fun.}

~Ah, and also, people are surprised I am walking on my hind legs now. They are very impressed,~

{Yeah, they should be. It's not every day you see an anthropomorphic cat.}


- 6/23/2015 4:19pm

Man, I remember something about under a willow tree now... I mean, the tree is outside the classroom, whose... Whose classroom is this?

Gah, I'm so sorry Eralonia. I keep offending people, your name has an A I will DEFINITELY remember from now on. There's definitely more people under the willow tree, and @Scilph... Speaking of somersaults @Morris, I drank some of that red liquid. I'm not feeling anything but a little queasy though. At least I have a confirmation on this shirt, nice one Walls! *Casts second projection to high five myself, then Morris*

I'm really looking forward to seeing that pocket universe. This has kind of turned into a picnic or sorts, and I'm finally getting to know people. We're mainly sat applauding Eralonia on her new dress, which she ran off to collect when it dropped out of the sky in a box stamped 'Piposshop Drone Delivery'. Your credit card must be getting thin, Morris...

@Nobody is here! Mattie would be ecstatic if she knew how many people turned up. But where is she? She seems to always be so punctual...

I'd better set up some chess.

Omai Gott
- 6/26/2015 1:01pm

Freelance doppelgangers available for rent by the hour or day. Ideal for parties, finals, court appearances, and witness protection scenarios. Find me in the basement of the psy-bio lab and I will set you up!


Omai Gott
- 7/3/2015 2:13pm

Freelance doppelgangers now with Mega-Ultra Security Plus!

Are you tired of your rented or leased doppelganger getting pwned by evil ancient entities from beyond time & space?

Has your party or court appearance been ruined one-too-many-times by malicious mental programming inserted into your unsuspecting proxy vessel?

Those days are over, my friends, with new Mega-Ultra Security Plus!

Mega-Ultra Security Plus is painless!

Mega-Ultra Security Plus is fun!

Mega-Ultra Security Plus is easy to install!

Mega-Ultra Security Plus more than pays for itself in terms of downtime and memory recovery costs associated with your hijacked doppelgangers.

Drop by Prof. Fakanami's Customer Growing Club main desk for more information on how to make your freelance doppelganger more secure today. We're now conveniently located in the APSA office space. Special thanks to @i am the champ for sharing his room with us, and we're sure the free freelance doppelganger rental he's receiving in return for his generosity is perfectly safe, and will in not in any way turn on him or any of its human masters.


Omai Gott
- 7/15/2015 9:26pm

Prof. Fakanami's Doppelgangers for Petsercise and More!

Hi. Does your pet need more exercise? Are you finding it harder and harder to move, encased in your virtual experience body suit? Too tired to remove the waste removal and nutrient input tubes yourself? Is little Fido beginning to gnaw at his own skin? Or possibly yours?

Then Prof. Fakanami's Freelance Doppelgangers for Petsercise and More may be exactly what you need!

Let our mostly-personalized doppelgangers take your little Butch or Missy out for the walk of his or her life, while you give your virtual life all the attention it deserves. Your pet will never know the difference - except that our doppelgangers all come with your choice of Winter Pine, Munchy Tangelo, or Spicy Taco scent.

But wait! There's more!

If your pet is lethargic, apathetic, or otherwise disinterested in the health benefits of exercise, then allow Prof. Fakanami to provide the Purrrrfect Doppelganger for your Pet as well! In no time, almost-perfect duplicates of both you and your pet will be tearing it up down at the dog park or cat gym, allowing both you and your pet to have the rest you deserve, exploring the outer limits of virtual pleasure that only bi- and quadruped virtual experience body suits can provide.

And with our Know it All (tm) brand Wi-Fi surveillance package (which comes standard in all our doppel models) you can tap right into the experience stream of your doppels as they make their way to healthy exercise heaven! And you won't even need to break a sweat!

So come on down to Prof. Fakanami's Customer Growing Club, conveniently located in the reconverted sub-basement of the student union, directly below the APSA offices. Take the fireman's pole, and let them know that Omai sent you, so you won't be tased or otherwise detained by our doppel security team.


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