I rented a dozen monkeys to test @Dale Purdy’s pickles on. They’re all professionals. They came in their own container, with built-in recliners and a composting toilet. The only thing you need to bring in are food and water. And pickles. Lots of pickles.

There's a kid in my dorm ate a whole jar of those pickles and they were so sour now he's a withered up mummy. THAT is the Purdy Family Curse! That is what they meant by "live forever." Whatever you do--DON'T EAT THE PICKLES!!!

We run the Jarring Consortium up and down the central region, from Dogsbreath to the Tri-cities. We keep a low profile but jars don't get moved anywhere without us knowing about it. We've got international concerns as well, big automated warehouses, grandmas in underground packing facilities, a full staff of witches and shamen for the seals. And we're growing all the time, since we've got deals nobody can refuse.

Tanya Skrrt, Interstellar Canning Intelligence Authority (ICIA)

Your sector is now under a Surveillance Level III (SL3) alert. This is nothing to be concerned about.

Illegal Canning Distribution (ICD) has been reported in your area. Agents will be exploring all cabinets, pantries, basements, larders, root cellars, garages, under beds, in closets, trunks of cars, etc., for Illicit Jars of Containment (IJOC). However, it's unlikely you will notice them, as our agents are invisible and move like ghosts (GHSTS). Perhaps a cabinet door will swing open on its own, or you'll hear something go thump in the basement, but these are rare occurrences.

If you are unsatisfied in any way with your visitation by our agents, please contact us via this bulletin board with your Accompanying Proxy Mantra (APM).

The monkeys' transformation was slow but steady. The initial euphoria of the pickle tasting was soon replaced by a period of thoughtful reflection, as each of the test subjects settled in for the ride. Each one had ice water in an Owala Free Sip placed in the cup holder of their recliner, and these were kept fresh for as long as it was safe to enter the container. However, they began to neglect their water bottles and, as the pickles dwindled, they took to drinking the pickle juice instead, some going so far as to dumping their water out and replacing it with the pickle juice.

After 10 days, the monkeys became unresponsive when their names were called, and began to fail significantly on cognitive tests. They still showed great interest in the pickles, and moved at remarkable speeds between their recliners and the feeding station each time new pickles were provided. By this time, the monkeys began to take on the dessicated, mummified look which gives the syndrome its name.

On day 13, the monkeys disarmed the cameras within the container, and have since been unresponsive to audio contact.

The Psyhigh Pickle Club is on its way to Fruit & Pepper, the biggest canning festival in the Tri-cities region! I've got newly bottled New Moon from just the other night, there'll be a gaggle of Eddies jarred up for your enjoyment, and Purdy cousins from across the Tri-counties will be turning up with cases of their famous pickles.

You won't want to miss this Jarring Jamboree! There'll even be scheduled busses leaving from the front of the library every two hours. Bring a big bag, because you'll be taking home a bundle!

Field Status Report: Fruit & Pepper Canning Festival

Undercover Agent 9, recording.

The GHSTS were right! This IS the central hub of a major ICD network. All the big players are here, and what it is amounts to a creepy swap meet, crowded with preservation enthusiasts, old church ladies, and strangers attracted by the hubbub.

I recognized Target Alpha. As I cautiously approached, a bottle containing Temporal Eddie fell from their table and broke, momentarily reversing time and then unbreaking and unfalling back up onto the table, where it was gently secured by a vendor. I noticed Harmonic Eddie in the crowd, taunting the vendor with his harmonica.

Also available for purchase are the Pickles of Interest, which I have been standing in line for for over an hour. I'm nearing the front of the line, but, what's this? There seems to be an altercation...

"Arrrrrgh! Get it off me!"

"HELP!!! HELP!!!"

"SNNNNARRRRRL! HOWWWWWWWL! HISSSSSSSS!"

Apparently we are being overrun by a troop of mummified monkeys. Incredibly fast mummified monkeys.

Signing off. Lock this sector down for quarantine immediately--

*click*