Completely Unsuspicious

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- 3/19/2019 10:04pm

WORK WANTED: Completely Unsuspicious Archaeological Job Offer!

Do you like holding your breath in graveyards? Do you like making sand castles from moondust? Do you like gardening, perhaps planting flowers in the spring, perhaps for your dead grandmother who was buried 7 miles from your house 2 years ago?

If so, check out this student job offer!

We need YOU to come join us next weekend to collect mineral samples at the Jolene Avenue Graveyard! There will be heavy lifting, but pay will be generous, and refreshments will be provided!

For any further inquiries about the job or application submissions, please email

Thank you for your interest!

P.S. We have a strict bring-your-own-shovel policy. Gloves are forbidden.

Francesca Lemon
- 3/20/2019 7:46pm

I have always wanted to visit the Jolene Avenue Graveyard, but have been afraid to drop by on my own, since I don't know anyone there.

Sign me up!

Is there a bus or something to take us there? And why do we need to hold our breath?

- 3/21/2019 9:08am

Hello Francesca!

Thank you for your interest in our generous job offer. Allow us to answer your questions and clarify some information.

First of all, we will provide transportation via a rented van specifically purchased for this job. No need to worry about gas prices or anything of that sort. We have it covered.

Secondly, we mentioned conservation of breath as a valuable skill simply because it shows resilience. It is simply because it is a valuable skill. It shows determination, a fighting spirit. There is absolutely no other reason once so ever as to why we mentioned the necessity of holding one’s breath. (We would ask, however, that you do not apply unless you possess this skill. Specifically holding your breath, rather than the things that accompany it.)

Lastly, I would like to inform you that you may always submit your job application to this thread or to the provided email. (

We appreciate your cooperation and hope to hear from you again soon!

Francesca Lemon
- 3/23/2019 11:00am

Hi I am waiting for the van but I am not sure which one to get into.

There is the Grey Van Delivery Van Company Van, which delivers anything you can think of just by thinking about it. And it brought me a shovel. But I do not think it can bring me your van because it is not big enough to fit a van inside of it.

Then there is the Mystery Machine van which usually follows me around but I do not like the man who is driving it.

What time it the pick up of the van?? I am writing your customer support email but maybe it is Saturday and they are off work.

- 3/26/2019 9:22am

Hello again, Francesca!

We would like to apologize for the time which it took us to receive your emails, as our office is closed Friday through Monday. If you are still interested in the position, we would love for you to apply. The answers to your questions are as follows:

Pay for this service will be $10,000 minus the number of years you have been alive. Any hereditary illnesses, disabilities, current health conditions, and injuries may also affect your pay. For this reason we request full, clinically authorized medical records along with your application.

The van will be a plain white moving van. We will email you the exact time and place of pick-up if you are selected for the position.

If you are to be selected for this position, then the mystery machine will not be permitted under any circumstances to accompany you during work hours. No other vehicle, living thing, or animated non-living thing may be present while you are on the clock. We apologize for this inconvenience and thank you for your understanding.

For any further inquiries about the job or application submissions, please email

Thank you for your interest!

Kimya Abbey
- 3/30/2019 4:15pm

Hey so @Melody Quinn and I went to the parking lot out by the gym today to try and find the vans and get a ride with @Francesca Lemon to the Jolene Avenue Graveyard field trip and maybe earn some extra money and get credits for psychic archeology class but there was nobody there. If you are closed Friday through Monday why is the job on Saturdays? Is Francesca already working for you? Do you want to see how long we can hold our breath? Ready? 1... 2... 3..........

- 4/1/2019 12:49am

Hello Ms. Abbey!

We thank you for your interest in this job offer! Allow us to clear up some misinformation, and explain how you may take up this exciting opportunity.

Our office is closed Friday through Monday, but most of the manual labor our company does occurs on those three days. That is why the office is closed. There is absolutely no other reason that our office is closed while the labor is being done.

Francesca, unfortunately, passed away very suddenly just a few days ago. This, of course, is an entirely unrelated incident to our company. I truly do hope that this isolated tragedy does not discourage you from applying for the position. We pride ourselves on our extremely high safety standards and thorough disaster-preventative measures, hence why we require all applicants to supply full medical records. Francesca worked with us very shortly, but did not complete the job. We are still be looking for work and accepting applications.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Kimya Abbey
- 4/3/2019 7:48pm

@Melody Quinn and I spent some time at our new great part-time completely unsuspicious job and I guess it must not be suspicious because psychic archeology.

The Dig Director directed us all around the Jolene Avenue Graveyard, pointing her dowsing rods around and shhhshing us when we talked. She pointed them here and pointed them there and pointed at the ground for us to dig our tiny holes.

We were glad not to have to dig the big holes because that must be hard work! There were lots of big holes that had gotten dug recently and then filled in and you had to be careful not to trip over them or the headstones when we walked. And holding our breath! You have to hold your breath when you walk between the spots which helps with the not talking.

Anyway we dug a bunch of tiny holes all over and they must have liked our work because they want us back! Maybe next time we put things in the holes? It’s all very hush hush. I guess they could still use more bodies though. You should sign up!

Dara Boman
- 4/4/2019 5:44am

I'm not sure why I attend Psychic High School, I feel and seem normal. The only thing different or unusual about me is the fact that bugs steer clear of me. I don't think this is to out of the ordinary, but I still can't stop myself from coming here.

Kimya Abbey
- 4/5/2019 12:21pm

Can you keep bugs away from other people too, @Dara Boman? You might be a perfect candidate for the Dig Team! @Melody Quinn and I got eaten alive digging those holes at the Jolene Avenue Graveyard, but we’re headed back tomorrow and could really use your help. Plus, free credits! Free money! Definitely room for a bug repeller. Meet at the parking lot by the gym at 11am.

Hope you work for centipedes too!

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