Big Jim

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Psychic Valentines
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2/15/2019 6:06pm

VALENTINE’S DANCE PRE-RECAP

The gym will remain off-limits until the Eldritch Forensics Team deems the area safe for mortal occupancy.

Though the school’s not-so-abstract legal entity Personelle has foresworn all forms of social media, we are working on establishing communication via psychic backdoors we had installed in her psyche as part of her legally binding Terms of Inception Templating. Tracey, Macey, and Stacey continue to post “stories” to #PersonelleRocks but, as most students have seen, these consist of unintelligible yet frightening footage of flashing blue lights, tweridified faces, and an old man emphatically attempting to communicate in a sign language we have yet to decipher. We are confident the tweridification is only a liminal effect.

Overall, the dance had a great turnout, the decorations looked fantastic, and the Psychic Valentine’s Committee did a wonderful job. At least until the lights went out. And the strange low moaning started.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





1/22/2019 9:02am

MONEY MOLD AND PERSONELLE UPDATE

We have some exciting staffing developments to report, but first wanted to let everyone know that the Rich Donors Library has been successfully burned to the ground. We had a great turn out, and are virtually sure that the horrible smell and resulting respiratory infections are in no way indicative of the Money Mold spores becoming airborne. Please continue to wear your Mold Masks until further notice.

In other great news, you are no doubt familiar with our Private/Public/Private/Partner @GROTTO G.S.M. INC.'s company proxy, Company Asset. And, it has been abundantly clear that much of the student body is keeping their distance from this pastel-purple skinned, hairless newcomer.

In order to make Company Asset feel more at home, as well as to give some insight into the "black box" of the Private/Public/Private/Partnership, the administration is announcing the introduction of its own abstract legal entity, specially created to be a companion and friend to Company Asset.

Her name is Personelle.

Personelle was designed to be more familiar, and less "freaky" than Company Asset. But don't go asking her to next month's Valentine's Dance! Personelle is here to get to know Company Asset, and exchange memos and contractual requests and whatever it is that sentient legal entities do when given direct access to each other.

Though you may ask Personelle any questions you like relating to your class schedules, loan status, homework deadlines, grades, extra-dimensional immigration status, school lunch menus, sports scores, and so on, Personelle is not interested journaling. We gave Personelle a bullet journal for her Legal Inception Ceremony and she tore it up, then started an Instagram account and posted a picture of her torn up journal. Then she deleted her Instagram account and threw her phone in the pool. Personelle is an entity of action. We hope that she is a perfect match for Company Asset.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99


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1/18/2019 8:06pm

MONEY MOLD UPDATE

The administration would like to thank our Private/Public/Private/Partner @GROTTO G.S.M. INC. for taking the lead on the Money Mold issue. One of the benefits of Private/Public/Private/Partnerships is that it allows the school to put me in what they call the Winky Wink Bio Sleep Program for prolonged periods. When I'm in the Winky Wink Bio Sleep Module, I am only able to communicate to the outside world via Ghost Server Management, but it saves the school a great deal in terms of my salary and benefits package.

Where were we? Ah! Yes. The Rich Donors Library does indeed have a Money Mold infestation, which we have tracked to a particularly moldy book called Cessation, which has thankfully been stolen. But the Money Mold remains.

@GROTTO G.S.M. INC. was quite accurate in saying that Money Mold is not mold growing money, but mold that makes you have a very specific hallucination that you are at a decadent party where the main dish is a plate of U.S. dollars, but in reality you are just gorging yourselves on mold, so stop doing that. The library is now full of students gorging themselves on Money Mold, and you know what happens when a bunch of people in an enclosed area gorge themselves on mold. So stop doing that.

This weekend @Janitor Pete and a team of volunteers will don the Mold Suits and, after spending most of both days attempting to remove the mold with powerful mold vacuums, will decide that Rich Donors Library has been too fully infested by Money Mold and will need to be burned to the ground. Which, really, is OK since the library's entire collection was made up of outdated textbooks and encyclopedias and hardbound collections of forgotten popular literature that nobody was ever interested in. We got it all at a "books by the yard" kind of place, just because the Rich Donors needed something to put in their new library. We never kept any of the good books there.

So, stay clear of Rich Donors Library this weekend! @Janitor Pete will be vacuuming you off until the detonations begin.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99

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Overloaded
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10/19/2018 8:42am

HAPPY APPLE FESTIVAL

It's time once again for the Happy Apple Festival, held each year at the Tri-Cities Fairgrounds in Happy Apple Valley. Shuttle busses will be departing on the hour all weekend from 9am to 9pm from the parking lot near the gym. Apples, apple bobbing, haunted apple carving, worm wrangling, face painting, psychic dunk-a-bum, the largest ferris wheel in the world, apple mazes, fortune tellers, palm readers, wandering sadhus, tame tigers, an appearance by the Tappan Zee Minotaur, and much, much more!

All students are encouraged to take part in this annual folkloric ritual. A good time is guaranteed!

Avoid the lines and get your tickets now from @K.K. Foxhart in the commons.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





GGSMSSSAEAPC
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9/22/2018 2:08pm

DANGER: STUDENT SAFETY PANCAKE BREAKFAST

Following this morning's atrocities at the GGSMSSSAEAPC Student Safety Pancake Breakfast, all students are asked to stay behind the yellow caution tape surrounding the commons. The sentience of the biodegradable cutlery was an unforeseen consequence of our safety precautions, and now the gluten-free range pancakes have gone feral.

Psychic Janitorial Staff (the "cleaners'') are currently on-site, and we need everyone to stay out of the way of the flamethrowers while they finish up.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





GGSMSSSAEAPC
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9/21/2018 5:16pm

STUDENT SAFETY PANCAKE BREAKFAST

As Student Satisfaction Leader for the GGSMSSSAEAPC, I know that nothing says "safety" quite like "pancakes!"

So join us tomorrow at 10am in the commons (weather permitting!) for the GGSMSSSAEAPC Student Safety Pancake Breakfast! It will be a safe space to enjoy pancakes and syrup, and become empowered by a feeling of safety. GGSMSSSAEAPC Patrols will be in the area to ensure safety, and all cutlery will be made of soft, biodegradable materials. Invite a friend!

See you tomorrow, September 22nd, at 10am in the commons! And STAY SAFE.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





Haunted Driver’s Ed
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6/30/2018 2:42pm

Haunted Driver’s Ed is open to everyone from ages 9 to 99, @Gabrielle Slyme. Certification not valid for driving in some jurisdictions, nor as legal identification in certain reality backwaters. Haunted Ed has warrants out for his arrest in several of these.

Remember, this course is free for all current and former students, and a great way to expand your horizons this summer term. Sign up today in the admin building!

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99






Haunted Driver’s Ed
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6/28/2018 9:01am

HAUNTED DRIVER'S ED

Haunted Driver's Ed is back! For a limited time, Haunted Ed has returned from his automotive netherworld to offer Psyhigh students the finest in eerie driving skill training. Can you speed through the bardo? Find a shortcut through Limbo? Which color lights are best to avoid? What are the best negotiation techniques for the 42 Divine Judges? And where exactly is this "Highway to Hell?"

Haunted Ed will reveal all--and more! Haunted Driver's Ed is free for all current and former students. Signup in the administration is open now, but don't delay--these spots will fill up fast.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





The Topiary Dance
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5/11/2018 8:39am

TOPIARY DANCE TONIGHT

It’s time for the Spring Topiary Dance this evening in, you guessed it, the Topiary Gardens in Lower Campus! Let’s take advantage of this great weather and enjoy the garden stylings of visiting psychic topiary artist and lawn-care professor Pliny Sato. Light refreshments will be served starting at 7pm, with music from campus favorites Teeny Bird starting at 8.

Take a break from studying for finals and enjoy the season!

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





A Garden Tour
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4/30/2018 9:26pm

GARDEN TOURS REOPENED!

I am pleased to announce that Garden Tours are running once again in the gardens of lower campus. While there are certain new travel restrictions for visitors within Fairyland itself, the Good and Fair People are happy to give you a glimpse "behind the curtain" of how spring is made.

This experience is both fun and educational, and we suggest that all students take the tour and allow the Good People to see you and take measurements. Extra-credit available! Apply in the office.

Sincerely

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





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