Big Jim

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The Floating Ampitheaters
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8/9/2019 10:59pm

The administration is aghast — AGHAST! — at the recent scandal concerning fraudulent class attendance and psychic credit theft related to the @GROTTO G.S.M. INC. sponsored non-existent Visual Art and Apocalyptic Studies class.

Psychic High School’s accreditation with the Interdimensional Higher Psychic Educational Authority is of the upmost importance, and, along with being directly tied to Dean Hammer’s salary, is vital to maintaining the level of education that the school has become famous for.

The timing of the psychic credit theft scandal is especially unfortunate as it comes on the heels of the recent Psychic Admissions Bribery Scandal, where certain well-connected psychic parents traded their seats on various Illuminati boards and in some cases ownership of entire vertical industry monopolies and small island nations for admittance decisions in favor of their children at the school. The school continues to research the full extent of this issue, with the Dean attending top level discussions on the matter at Illuminati 5-star resorts in luxurious locations worldwide.

The school has survived many rocky patches in its history, including the Minds Conflict, The Reality Accident, The Cessation, The Doll Flu, the approach of the Halberd Class Mega-Weapon, and so on and so forth. But we're confident that it’s nothing that a dose of good old fashioned Psyhigh Spirit can’t cure! So please begin attending the compulsory Good Thought and Happy Prayer Rituals, beginning every night from now until further notice at midnight in the Dark Temple.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





The Magic Squares
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6/26/2019 8:16pm

IMAGINARY MATHEMATICS BAN IN EFFECT 110%

Our local mathematics biome has been infected by a virulent set of imaginary numbers. These dangerous clippings were introduced by a rogue math club's disregard for commonly accepted cross-dimensional hygiene protocols.

As a result, only APPROVED, non-imaginary mathematics will be allowed on campus until further notice.

Also, all members of the Magic Squares must report immediately to the math gym for full decontamination.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





Spider in a Glass
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6/19/2019 8:26pm

SUMMER FUMIGATION SPECTACULAR

The warmth of summer always brings a special glow to campus. Flowers are in bloom, lawns are getting mowed, and class schedules are reduced. That's why it's a great time to fumigate!

This year's freezing cold winter, followed by the exceptionally torrential spring, created the kind of dank, festering ooze that squalid, tenebrous creatures love to lay their loathsome eggs in. Now that summer's here, those eggs are hatching in droves, basking in the raging, unfiltered UV rays beating down through our crippled atmosphere. As a result, the school is literally crawling with vast armies of tsuchinoko, death worms, slobbering ghouls, redcap goblins, and spiders.

The school has partnered with the Southern Chemical Giant to utilize the latest in organic and humane pest removal methods in ridding campus of this foul scourge. You'll be seeing their signs throughout campus as they work their magic, all leading up to the culmination of their chemical ritual this Friday, the Summer Solstice.

Students are requested not to enter any areas cordoned off by the Southern Chemical Giant, and to wear appropriate protective gear and rebreathing apparatus both indoors and outdoors at all times until the haze clears.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





Psychic Valentines
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2/26/2019 9:19am

PSYCHIC VALENTINE’S DANCE — THE EXPLOSIVE CONCLUSION?

As you are no doubt aware, the Very Large Seed Pod (VLSP) formerly known as Trevor ruptured in the woods today at 7:43 AM local time. The concussive blasts rattled the south facing windows of the buildings nearest the woods but created no further damage.

Students that had gone missing during the dance have also been recovered with only very minor injuries, after being expelled from Trevor's interior and tossed like rag dolls in the ensuing explosion. According to eye witness reports they “floated through the air like dandelion seeds” though this has not been confirmed.

The only students still missing are the Psychic Valentine’s Royalty, Company Asset and @Personelle. When asked about their whereabouts, members of the Psychic Valentine's Dance Committee could only say “SHE IS THE QUEEN OF BLINDING LIGHT!" and "ALL HAIL HER HOLY CHLOROPHYLL!"

Company Asset remains unaccounted for.

For the time being, the Very Large Clearing (VLC) in the woods created by the explosion will remain off limits to the student body. Representatives of the Fairy Kingdom have already submitted paperwork requesting that the area become a protected refuge for the Fair Folk, and the administration is considering their request.

Great dance everybody!

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





Psychic Valentines
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2/20/2019 8:30pm

VALENTINE’S DANCE KNEE-CAP

The administration would like to apologize to the students who were rousted, jostled, stampeded, and otherwise trampled by Trevor this afternoon as he made his way to the forest. Apparently the highly-trained cleanup crew from the Montgomery Research Hospital on the hill did not anticipate Trevor growing legs. After the south wall of the gym was demolished, Trevor sprouted limbs and scrambled for the wood.

As for the missing students, it is clear to the administration that they must still be within Trevor, irrespective of the readings taken by the Montgomery Research Hospital cleanup crew. At the very least, it was in and around the gazebo that the missing students were last seen. The administration strongly opposes the use of incendiary weapons to neutralize Trevor.

A big shout-out again to the Psychic Valentine's Committee for such a terrific party! The Dean looks forward to meeting with them in his office as soon as they are found.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





Psychic Valentines
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2/15/2019 6:06pm

VALENTINE’S DANCE PRE-RECAP

The gym will remain off-limits until the Eldritch Forensics Team deems the area safe for mortal occupancy.

Though the school’s not-so-abstract legal entity Personelle has foresworn all forms of social media, we are working on establishing communication via psychic backdoors we had installed in her psyche as part of her legally binding Terms of Inception Templating. Tracey, Macey, and Stacey continue to post “stories” to #PersonelleRocks but, as most students have seen, these consist of unintelligible yet frightening footage of flashing blue lights, tweridified faces, and an old man emphatically attempting to communicate in a sign language we have yet to decipher. We are confident the tweridification is only a liminal effect.

Overall, the dance had a great turnout, the decorations looked fantastic, and the Psychic Valentine’s Committee did a wonderful job. At least until the lights went out. And the strange low moaning started.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





1/22/2019 9:02am

MONEY MOLD AND PERSONELLE UPDATE

We have some exciting staffing developments to report, but first wanted to let everyone know that the Rich Donors Library has been successfully burned to the ground. We had a great turn out, and are virtually sure that the horrible smell and resulting respiratory infections are in no way indicative of the Money Mold spores becoming airborne. Please continue to wear your Mold Masks until further notice.

In other great news, you are no doubt familiar with our Private/Public/Private/Partner @GROTTO G.S.M. INC.'s company proxy, Company Asset. And, it has been abundantly clear that much of the student body is keeping their distance from this pastel-purple skinned, hairless newcomer.

In order to make Company Asset feel more at home, as well as to give some insight into the "black box" of the Private/Public/Private/Partnership, the administration is announcing the introduction of its own abstract legal entity, specially created to be a companion and friend to Company Asset.

Her name is Personelle.

Personelle was designed to be more familiar, and less "freaky" than Company Asset. But don't go asking her to next month's Valentine's Dance! Personelle is here to get to know Company Asset, and exchange memos and contractual requests and whatever it is that sentient legal entities do when given direct access to each other.

Though you may ask Personelle any questions you like relating to your class schedules, loan status, homework deadlines, grades, extra-dimensional immigration status, school lunch menus, sports scores, and so on, Personelle is not interested journaling. We gave Personelle a bullet journal for her Legal Inception Ceremony and she tore it up, then started an Instagram account and posted a picture of her torn up journal. Then she deleted her Instagram account and threw her phone in the pool. Personelle is an entity of action. We hope that she is a perfect match for Company Asset.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99


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1/18/2019 8:06pm

MONEY MOLD UPDATE

The administration would like to thank our Private/Public/Private/Partner @GROTTO G.S.M. INC. for taking the lead on the Money Mold issue. One of the benefits of Private/Public/Private/Partnerships is that it allows the school to put me in what they call the Winky Wink Bio Sleep Program for prolonged periods. When I'm in the Winky Wink Bio Sleep Module, I am only able to communicate to the outside world via Ghost Server Management, but it saves the school a great deal in terms of my salary and benefits package.

Where were we? Ah! Yes. The Rich Donors Library does indeed have a Money Mold infestation, which we have tracked to a particularly moldy book called Cessation, which has thankfully been stolen. But the Money Mold remains.

@GROTTO G.S.M. INC. was quite accurate in saying that Money Mold is not mold growing money, but mold that makes you have a very specific hallucination that you are at a decadent party where the main dish is a plate of U.S. dollars, but in reality you are just gorging yourselves on mold, so stop doing that. The library is now full of students gorging themselves on Money Mold, and you know what happens when a bunch of people in an enclosed area gorge themselves on mold. So stop doing that.

This weekend @Janitor Pete and a team of volunteers will don the Mold Suits and, after spending most of both days attempting to remove the mold with powerful mold vacuums, will decide that Rich Donors Library has been too fully infested by Money Mold and will need to be burned to the ground. Which, really, is OK since the library's entire collection was made up of outdated textbooks and encyclopedias and hardbound collections of forgotten popular literature that nobody was ever interested in. We got it all at a "books by the yard" kind of place, just because the Rich Donors needed something to put in their new library. We never kept any of the good books there.

So, stay clear of Rich Donors Library this weekend! @Janitor Pete will be vacuuming you off until the detonations begin.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99

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Overloaded
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10/19/2018 8:42am

HAPPY APPLE FESTIVAL

It's time once again for the Happy Apple Festival, held each year at the Tri-Cities Fairgrounds in Happy Apple Valley. Shuttle busses will be departing on the hour all weekend from 9am to 9pm from the parking lot near the gym. Apples, apple bobbing, haunted apple carving, worm wrangling, face painting, psychic dunk-a-bum, the largest ferris wheel in the world, apple mazes, fortune tellers, palm readers, wandering sadhus, tame tigers, an appearance by the Tappan Zee Minotaur, and much, much more!

All students are encouraged to take part in this annual folkloric ritual. A good time is guaranteed!

Avoid the lines and get your tickets now from @K.K. Foxhart in the commons.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





GGSMSSSAEAPC
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9/22/2018 2:08pm

DANGER: STUDENT SAFETY PANCAKE BREAKFAST

Following this morning's atrocities at the GGSMSSSAEAPC Student Safety Pancake Breakfast, all students are asked to stay behind the yellow caution tape surrounding the commons. The sentience of the biodegradable cutlery was an unforeseen consequence of our safety precautions, and now the gluten-free range pancakes have gone feral.

Psychic Janitorial Staff (the "cleaners'') are currently on-site, and we need everyone to stay out of the way of the flamethrowers while they finish up.

Sincerely,

Big Jim
Student Activities Coordinator
Class of '99





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