Adopt a Human Family!

Every day, human families live through another mindless, boring day of not being psychic.

[insert picture of appropriate family here, as per psychographic retargeting algorithms]

How can they live through another diurnal cycle, you wonder? Their dreams and aspirations bled out of them by the simple fact they can not exert psychic power on the world around them? Forever squashed by accepting the limitations imposed on them by their lack of psychic ability?

Can you really let them live through another day of their pointless, worldly existences?

Of course not.

Now, you can do something to help them.

For just US$1.99 a day, you can create a ray of psychic hope in their otherwise mundane lives.

That money allows us, the Save the Ordinary People Foundation (SOP for short), to spend a little time brightening an ordinary, non-psychic family's life.

How, you may ask? Our team of trained Psychic Interventionalists take a small portion of time each day to focus on the family you sponsor and create small, manageable, psychic anomalies for them to live through. It can be as easy as hiding their keys, or burning out all their lightbulbs at the same time. In other cases selective amnesia or short-lived hallucinations may be appropriate. Not more than any one family can handle, but just enough to give them that HOPE they all deserve - and an at least temporary belief in the unknown.

How can you help spread this joy? All next week, SOP representatives will be available in the cafeteria to take your US$1.99 and sponsor your family today. Through the SOP app (available for both iPhone and Android) you can thumb through our catalog of families and choose your favorite. Then, you can use the app to tune into them each day and see how they're reacting to the experiences we've created for them.

With your help, we're changing the meaningless, futile existence of the non-psychic world, one family at a time.

But we can't do it without you! Skip that soda or coffee for the next year, ask your parents for money, or use your psychic abilities to redirect cash flow from undeserving Wall Street fat-cats, and make a difference by sponsoring a family today.

It's all up to you!

Thank you,

Queen Mod, on behalf of the Save the Ordinary People Foundation

I'm pleased to say our Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays program has been such a tremendous success, we're adding a special Stretch Goal available to all of our customers!

As you know, the Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays program is a way for Psyhigh students to reach out and spread our special psychic joy to the non-psychic people around us everyday. For a an exceptionally low rate of $1.99/day, students can sponsor a non-psychic family and Save the Ordinary People Foundation's team of specially trained Psychic Interventionalists will give them something to live for: unexplained phenomena.

Studies show that even a tiny factor of unexplained phenomena in a mundane subject's life can lead to increased vitality, interest in life, and overall happiness! Or occasionally severe psychosis and depression. Which is why our Psychic Interventionalists take such care in what they do. AND why you can tune in to your sponsored family any time you like on the SOP app and see how they're doing yourself.

Now, the Save the Ordinary People Foundation is offering you a bonus!

For just an additional $5.99/week, we offer you: RONDO's Mesmerized Human Circus!

Intergalactically known entertainment impresario RONDO has years of expertise working with non-psychic humans, and his shows are legendary. Now, with your help, RONDO will take the family you sponsor on a night you'll never forget. The family will forget, of course, after RONDO wipes their memories, but for that one night a week, RONDO will rouse the family from their slumber and cause them to perform AMAZING FEATS for your enjoyment! Plate spinning, tumbling, light opera - RONDO is full of surprises. And your sponsored family will be too! Imagine the fun you and your friends will have gathered around your app watching these non-psychic humans perform these wacky and amazing acts in their sleep, with no idea what happened when they wake up in the morning, except for perhaps some odd bruises, or their nails painted.

So consider upgrading your Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays family sponsorship to include RONDO's Mesmerized Human Circus today!*

Thank you,

Queen Mod, on behalf of the Save the Ordinary People Foundation




*some restrictions apply

I spent the better part of my life around ordinary people, and ~~BELIEVE ME,~~ they do not need saved. Maybe most of the jobs are boring, but the things they have created to fill their normal lives are simply wonderful. And while they don't have flying cars or the ability to safely travel through the dimensions, they do have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And normal people created Starbucks. And I have a dad who's completely normal, and his inventions are really cool.
But that's just my opinion. If you want to save the ordinary people, I firmly believe you can make choices for yourself.
-პ

The Save the Ordinary People foundation was supremely honored to have our Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app featured on America's Best Values. Ray and Melanie and the whole team were really pros, and doing the shoot with them on campus was a joy.

When the piece aired, however, I'm not sure what exactly Mr. & Mrs non-psychic America saw on the screen, since it's the kind of thing non-psychics just can't process. But plenty of psychics across the country did see it - we're nationwide!! - and it even overwhelmed our servers for a moment but we recovered just fine.

America's Best Values has asked us for a followup, and for that we'd like to hear from YOU. How has your experience been? Have any especially warm or hilarious moments observing your adopted human family on the app you'd like to share? Let us know, and we might feature them on ABV's new segment "America's Funniest Humans!" Or maybe they're calling it "Non-psychics Do the Darndest Things!" They're still deciding.

So let us know! What kind of funny human tricks have you seen on our Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app?

I've really REALLY enjoyed my time on the adopt-a-human-family-for-the-holidays app.

One of the most memorable moments has been when the mother of my adopted family was in an ANGRY PLACE. This was before the psychic interventionists did ANYTHING. On my phone I could totally see the red-hot horns coming out of her walls, in her angry place, but of course the rest of the adopted family couldn't see any of that. They were just uncomfortable.

So the interventionalists took her angry place away. For awhile she kept acting like it was there, but it was TOTALLY HILARIOUS to watch her finding out that it wasn't, that she'd try to ram her head up against the pokers but they just weren't there any more, and her family was totally watching her and started laughing and then she did too, because she didn't know what was going on at all, but since she was out of her angry place, it didn't matter.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The Psychic Interventionalists made my family able to understand their dog's speech.

This holiday season, the SOP Foundation has been experiencing unprecedented success with our Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app. And it's because of you, the everyday psychics who had it in their hearts to support this crazy idea. It's an idea about giving back, and about love, and about bringing rays of sunshine to the otherwise mundane lives of the non-psychics all around us.

And of course it's been with the help of our investors and benefactors.

This tremendous growth hasn't come cheap. We have increased overhead, travel expenses, clothing expenses, entertainment expenses, new car expenses, makeover expenses, private trainer expenses, and private jet expenses, as well as extensive overtime pay, holiday pay, vacation pay, and bonuses for the hardworking SOP team.

As a result, it's time to unveil the next great upgrade to the Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app -- and we're sure it's one that you're going to be as excited about as we are:

The Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app now comes with sponsors!

That's right! Now you'll be tuning in to you see your favorite adopted human families wearing and using the great brands you've already come to love and trust on such great programs as America's Best Values. Slimey's Coat Oil, Mormo Sportswear, Hideo's Dragon, Ralph Schmartz, Tingly Foot Odor, Tina's Brand Waffle Muffins, and more.

We promise these product placements will be completely natural, and your adopted human family will have no idea they've been manipulated into using these products by our trained team of Psychic Interventionalists. For your family it will be fun! And in many cases, we may even be able to get your family discounts and savings on these products direct from the manufacturers, with convenient mail-in rebates.

We know that you're going to enjoy watching this as much as we are. Stay tuned!

Today my rabid poodle bat ate my toes. I now do not have the ability to walk. But thankfully i had my psychic life alert on hand. All i had to do was press the button and i was levitated off of the ground in moments. Thank psychic life alert.

To purchase Psychic life alert now call: 1-800-psy-life again that number is 1-800-psy-life

Must be 18 years or older to order

It's truly inspiring to see the psychic entrepreneurism that our Adopt-a-Human-Family-for-the-Holidays app has generated. We applaud @Juan Cena for his enthusiasm, and after a thorough review, our patent and trademark lawyers will certainly be in touch with him. Look for Psychic Life Alert to be featured soon as an Adopt-a-Human-Family-for-the-Holidays app sponsor!

Which makes this a perfect time to introduce our latest upgrade to the Adopt-a-Human-Family-for-the-Holidays app - Prison TV!

While normal everyday non-psychic Joes and Jolenes are unable to actually comprehend what's going on when they're adopted by a generous psychic via the Adopt-a-Human-Family-for-the-Holidays app, they sometimes seem to realize that *something* is going on. Some of them even feel like they'd like to escape it! Or at least that's what they're telling their therapists.

That's why we're introducing Prison TV! For a small matching donation (greater than combined in-app donations + sponsorship revenue), regular, non-psychic humans can "opt out" of our live, 24/7 broadcast of their Psychic Interventionalist-enhanced experiences and return to a live, 24/7 broadcast of their usual, non-psychically enhanced mundane and dreary lives. Their lives will continue to be broadcast on a ppv basis (to recoup costs), but offered at an amazing discounted rate to our generous psychic audience.

That's just another way we're "giving back" this holiday season.

Enjoy! And if you haven't made your sponsorship donation this week, there's still time before we begin the "penalty phase" with your adopted family. So remember to give generously!

Weird. As SOP representatives, we're supposed to meet the family of ordinary people but their house in the middle of a bustling city in a busy street is now an empty lot. Really strange, right?

Cut live wires were sparkling on the road. Pipes were leaking out water into the piece of land devoid of lawn grass. Sewerage pipes were creating a fountain of poop. Oh dear lord the place just looked like a nuclear fallout without the nuclear but poop. The cleared land looked like a floor plan though. When you look at the lot, you would feel that there should be something in there but for some reason wasn't.

"What a shitstorm."

While looking at the lot, someone patted my shoulder. It was a copper. "Do you know the guys who live here?"

I said "No, but we're supposed to meet today. Some sort of get-together for the holidays."

"Alright. Alright. If I were you though, I'd stay clear of this place. It's creepy." Then the copper left while giving that 'I'm watching you' gesture. Sheesh. I'll never look at number two the same way again.

"So where's the family," asks Clare.

"Oblivion, maybe. Hey, why are you here?"

"I'm bored at home. Something interesting pops up whenever you go out."

"Look. It wasn't my fault my powers activated when I went out and we switched places. It's also wasn't my fault that you're here. You just popped up in my room and tried to harass me every time there's an o--stop that."

When I went into battle mode, Clare raised his hands. "I'll stop. I'll stop. Just calm down."

"This psychic battle suit is really handy. You can't see it but you can sense it. Don't you dare touch me."

Clare and I continued to monitor the situation around the lot. Cars were slowing down to get a glimpse of the poop fountain. People from the city hall arrived and started the clean up.

We tried to call customer support.

"I'm sorry, sir, but the assignment in the app is still valid. There are no indications that the entire family passed away or that they are missing. Remember that in the event that they died while in your care, we would immediately summon you in the headquarters and take appropriate actions."

"Appropriate actions? Look, young lady. The family and their house is gone from the lot. Your app is broken."

"No, sir. We can assure you that the app is not broken. We took the liberty of running a full scan of your immediate vicinity including the lot where the family should be and found that the family right where you are standing."

"Look, young lady. My friend here and I are the only ones in this stinky alley. And there's no way a bearded man 200 centimeters tall, an obese woman and three teenagers were standing right where I'm at."

"I'm sorry, sir, but that's not our problem. You availed our services and we can assure you that you have not failed yet in your endeavors and we're still not in the position to warp you here. We believe though that you might need to do some tweaking though in your reality. By the way, I'm way over 1892 years old and I'm old enough to feed your plants. Good day."

Toot. The person at the other end slammed a telephone. A telephone in this day and age. You never see that coming.

Clare was staring at me. "Look at you. Look at your eyebrows." He started messing with my face.

"The customer support said something strange. She said the family is here, right at this very spot. Also, she said that I need to do some "tweaking" in reality. Does that make any sense to you?"

"Like lifehacks? Gosh. I thought I'd never use that word. 'Lifehacks' are just clever ways to do things."

"Hey, Clare. What's the clever thing to do when something's missing?"

"Hmmm...aside from finding it, either replace it by creating or buying a new one."

"That's what you do in this reality. But what if there's a distortion in the reality that you know. What if the family and the house that don't exist in our reality starts to exist?"

"Stop it, Jarvis. You know the rules. You can't take what you can't give."

But are the rules really that strict? The mystery of Clarence O'Keeffe's appearance still baffles me.

"You're here. If you're here, then who replaced you? Who did you replace? If you replaced somebody that was so close to my location, who might that be? And if the rules still apply, the family must be around somewhere along with the house. But they're not."

We called customer support again. "I don't care if you're a fossil but you've got to believe me. Something went wrong with our reality. We shouldn't be here."

---

"Is everything to your satisfaction?"

A photo of Jarvis and Clare were posted on the smartphone. The man at the other end of the line stroked his beard as he asked over the loudspeaker. His wife and three children were also listening to the conversation. "We tried to add some cool stuff like what you asked. That shit storm is crazy."

"Of course. I paid for it. Now, when will you do RONDO's Mesmerized Human Circus?"