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Doctor Fake 3/28/2023 11:18pm
I must admit that it all seemed like a perfectly good idea at the time. Just a bit of a lark, you know? Poking fun at ourselves, poking fun at the industry...
"Ladies and gentlemen! And everyone in between and beyond! It is now my great pleasure to introduce to you... the one... the only... the real... Doctor Fake!"
The crowd roared and the background music blared and I was ushered out on stage and into the spotlight. It wasn't easy to see through the mask, or through the lights, but I could see the audience was packed, orchestra and balcony, screaming and raising their hands.
I took a walk across the stage to the big X on the floor and faced the crowd and raised my arms. They loved it. They went wild.
Then I walked across the stage to the other big X and did it again. They went crazy.
Then I walked the center X on the stage. I gave my Doctor Fake cape a twirl, then reached up to tear off the Doctor Fake mask I was wearing.
I reached up to tear off the Doctor Fake mask I was wearing.
And I tore and I tore at it but it would not come off.
The crowd exploded with cheers. Then the house lights came up and the exits opened and a small army of SDPH agents streamed down the aisles.
"Attention, everyone remain in your seats, for your own safety, I repeat..." a voice from a megaphone droned on. The crowd was confused. Was this merely part of Doctor Fake's renown stage show?
My arms were then rudely grasped from behind and I felt the harmonic cuffs being attached to my wrists.
"Doctor Fake, I hereby arrest you for the violation of Irreality Criminal Statues nine through 17. For starters, anyway."
"EE DeFrattno! It's me! EE Glarbson!" It was my colleague DeFrattno making the arrest. We might not have been close friends but at least we were acquainted. "Oh, what a cock up this has turned out to be. I can explain everything, you see--"
"Get this phony out of my sight. Take him away."
"No! Don't you see?" I cried. "I'm not Doctor Fake, it's just a mask! It's me! Glarbson! We met at the Secret Defenders Gala last year! Just get this mask off me! It won't come off, see?"
Of course, with my hands harmonically cuffed behind me, I could not remove the mask. But even after being placed in a solitary dimension chamber I can find no way to remove it. It seems permanently adhered to itself, and made of a material I can not breach. The hole for the mouth is large enough to eat through, but my whiskers are beginning to itch.
My requests for removal of the mask or even a medical examination have been refused, apparently there being a long history of fake results. I am allowed some time in the gym each day, and access to the prisoner's library—full of cheap fiction and tall tales—which I regale in reading as I await trial.
THE TRIAL OF DOCTOR FAKE
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Doctor Fake 3/25/2023 10:19pm
“I will absolutely not wear your mask in public,” I responded indignantly.
“BUT IT’S THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF MY AESTHETIC, OLD FRIEND.”
Doctor Fake’s voice always had a deep, honeyed quality and he was really laying it on now.
“IMAGINE THE ROAR OF THE CROWD WHEN YOU TEAR OFF THE MASK AND REVEAL YOURSELF! THE SURPRISE AND JOY ON THEIR FACES! THEY WILL ADORE YOU JUST AS I DO.”
“Adore me? Don’t you think that’s a bit strong, old chap? I mean, ‘having a healthy respect for’ I could imagine, but adoration—“
“ADORATION IS EXACTLY THE CORRECT WORD FOR IT! WE ARE ALL SO VERY FOND OF YOU. OUR HEARTS ARE WARMED BY JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU. AND WHEN YOU, MY SO-CALLED NEMESIS, SUDDENLY APPEAR AFTER MASQUERADING AS ME, IT WILL BE THE ULTIMATE FAKE OUT! IT WILL GO DOWN IN SHOW BUSINESS HISTORY I HAVE NO DOUBT.”
It did make sense, if you thought about it the right way. We were eternally bound, Doctor Fake and I. Two halves of the same spectacle. It's only natural people should respond to us equally...
"THAT'S RIGHT OLD FRIEND, NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT!"
And working in the shadows as I did for the SDPH we were forever out of the spotlight, while high profile master criminals like Doctor Fake grabbed all the headlines. It only seemed fair that I--
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT! NOW, JUST ACCOMPANY JESSICA TO MAKEUP AND SHE'LL MAKE SURE YOU'RE READY TO GO. HURRY UP! WE'RE ON IN TEN MINUTES."
Doctor Fake 3/17/2023 6:05pm
Celestia dropped me off at the Expo Center, then hovered silently above to await my signal.
The main lobby was filled with Doctor Fake cosplayers, dressed in costumes taken from the many incarnations of Doctor Fake through the years. Golden Age Doctor Fakes, Silver Age Doctor Fakes, Bronze Age Doctor Fakes, Fake Age Doctor Fakes... Didn't these youngsters understand the terrible chaos Doctor Fake was responsible for? Sigh. It only goes to show the power that a ridiculous mask can have.
"HELLO GLARBSON! SO NICE OF YOU TO MAKE IT!"
It was Doctor Fake, complete with ridiculous mask and a garish cape. He was a fair bit shorter than I remembered.
"I SEE YOU HAVE DISCOVERED MY MERCH TABLE! SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE? I'D BE HAPPY TO LET IT GO AT COST! FOR AN OLD FRIEND. AND I'D THROW IN A SELFIE FREE OF CHARGE!"
T-shirts and hoodies really aren't my style. Or masks. And if I did take any souvenirs I'd rather they be evidence related to his capture. Like the enormous penny adorned with Doctor Fake's ridiculous visage that currently provides a nice centerpiece to my trophy room.
"Well, that's quite generous of you, Fake, but I couldn't."
"NOT EVEN THIS FINE ROLEX WATCH? SPECIAL DOCTOR FAKE OYSTER PERPETUAL EDITION?"
Hmmm, I had to admit it was quite stylish.
"IT'S FAKE, OF COURSE! BWAAA HA HA HA HA!"
"Let's get down to brass tacks, old chap. Why exactly have you invited me here? I'm actually in the middle of investigating several--"
"OH GLARBSON. ALWAYS SO 'BUSINESS IN THE FRONT' AS THEY SAY. ALLOW YOURSELF TO LIVE A LITTLE! BUT, YES, I UNDERSTAND. AND MY OWN SCHEDULE IS QUITE DEMANDING. PLEASE ACCOMPANY ME TO THE GREEN ROOM. WALK THIS WAY."
"If I could walk that way..."
"EXCUSE ME? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?"
"Lead on, old chap."
Doctor Fake 3/11/2023 10:43pm
"EE, you have an incoming call from Doctor Fake."
It was Celestia, my virtual assistant.
"Thank you, Celestia," I said. "I'll take it in the library."
"And Celestia, your foot is sticking out from behind the folding screen."
I'd made it to the lake and was hovering silently over the shore near the parking lot in my invisible helicopter lair. No sign of a woman walking her cats. So it was as good a time as any to take a call from my old nemesis.
"HELLO GLARBSON MY OLD FRIEND."
Doctor Fake's ridiculous mask filled the room. Well, the holographic projection of it. I found the visual volume knob in the wall and turned it down.
"Yes, hello Fake, old chap. I'd heard you were in town. And how exactly were you able to leave the, uh...?"
"PERILOUS MIND PRISON? THE INESCAPABLE DUNGEON OF THE SDPH?"
"Uh, yes. That."
"IT WAS SIMPLE TO DO... WHEN I WAS NEVER IN IT! BWAAA HA HA HA HA!"
Oh, curses! Of course. It wasn't the real Doctor Fake we had tried and incarcerated at all, but one of those fake Doctor Fakes. It's like there are layers and layers of him, but at his very core... IS there a real Doctor Fake? Or is he fakes all the way down?
"BUT THAT'S ALL BEHIND US NOW, OLD FRIEND. FRESH STARTS AND ALL THAT, WOT?"
"Uh, yes, indeed, old chap." I was feeling around for that silent alarm button under the edge of my desk...
"ACTUALLY, I'M HERE TO ASK A FAVOR. FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE. YOU SEE, I'M DELIVERING A CED TALK (THE TERRIBLY POPULAR CRIME, EVIL, AND DESIGN LECTURE SERIES), AND I WONDER IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND MAKING A SMALL APPEARANCE IN IT..."
Doctor Fake 3/6/2023 11:12pm
A typical day for me? Well, it all starts with a cup of tea, of course! Then, I take a look at the new cases I've received from HQ via my psychic teleprinter.
Oh my, well, they certainly have accumulated during my little sabbatical here at your school. Let's see...
Woman reported walking her black cats out near the lake
Mummy strike continues to loom
Large patterns discovered in cosmic background radiation
Noumenon spotted at local mall
Doctor Fake announces appearance at Expo Center
What?! My old nemesis, Doctor Fake, apparently on the loose again and on some kind of promotional tour? Well, fresh starts and all that, I suppose.
I guess we're off to the lake to find the woman walking her cats. It does seem a bit unnatural, doesn't it? Let's find out.
Doctor Fake 3/1/2023 10:14pm
Well, yes hello! How are you? I see you in front of your screen there—don't think I don't! ;) Such eager young minds filled with a thirst for knowledge. It warms my heart.
I've been hovering around the school in my invisible helicopter lair—and taking advantage of your excellent facilities, including the beautiful gardens, the library, running the exercise gauntlet, and the Spongiform Unimind's steam room—and felt it was time to "give back" and accept the honor of being the subject for your ongoing Job Shadow program.
So, allow me to introduce myself:
EE Glarbson. A humble secretary for the Secret Defenders of Psychic Harmony (SDPH), as previously pointed out by your illustrious student council co-president, @Otto Ahn
Terribly sorry to drop in again, but does your psychic home economics class do stain removal? I'm afraid some raucous guests spilled tea on some white shag carpet in my invisible helicopter lair, and I believe it could use some professional attention.
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The repairs on my invisible helicopter lair (I call her Vimana) were par excellence. The Advanced Vedic Mechanics shop class at the school is second to none. Really superlative work. They even hung a cute little sandalwood air freshener off the rear view mirror when they were done with the detailing.
I had such a good feeling from the work done that I've decided to stick around the school for a little bit. I've been drifting over the woods and catching up on some reading, drinking some tea, watching the sunsets. It's been a very busy few months so I'm looking forward to a little down time.
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My invisible helicopter lair needed servicing and I just happened to be in the neighborhood. Excellent facilities. Would recommend!
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