Horrific Plastic Clowns

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Melinda Carbuncle
- 2/15/2015 3:58pm

I was told that Psyhigh was a clown-free environment, but today there's that alert about the Horrifying Plastic Clown on lower campus?

Yes, of course I have my Anti-Clown Goggles and am WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW but a big part of the reason my parents and I decided on this school was that they claimed it was specifically CLOWN-FREE.

I am very upset with this school right now, and will continue to wear my Anti-Clown Goggles until I hear it is safe.

Lupe 88
- 2/15/2015 10:52pm

Gee, there really are Horrifying Plastic Clowns on campus. I know because I just saw one.

And now I can't unsee it!

I'm not really considered "sensitive" in terms of Clowns. I think I only scored a .09AB on the Clown Aversion Scale when they tested me at registration. So I wasn't even issued a pair of Anti-Clown Goggles.

But... I don't know... it was... more disturbing than anything I've ever experienced. Seeing it there, behind a hedge, staring back at me with those big, blank, cartoon eyes... its shiny, plastic skin... the corroding paint...

It burned itself into my mind.

So they've already got me on a re-stabilization regime... vegetable and fruit based diet, ragas, incense, yoga, the whole nine yards.

And the goggles. I'm wearing them all the time now. You know, just in case.

Does the school just wait around till they leave? Put on the Anti-Clown Goggles and pretend they're not there?

Isn't there some kind of protocol for removing them? Like, an ancient, secret society of warriors sworn to protect civilization from Horrifying Plastic Clowns?

Who is this secretive group? And where are they?

Sir Olaf McHandshake
- 2/17/2015 4:46pm

Protocol indeed! Knights of the Wig! I command thee rise, and face the ancient menace that once again threatens our fair shores - the fair shores of Sanity no less!


I'm Sir Olaf McHandshake, leader of the Ancient Order of the Knights of the Wig. A thousand years ago we alone rose against the tide of the Terrifying Vegetable Clowns of the High-Early Middle Ages. And many times since, including the Red Clown Menace of the 1950's, the Psychedelic Clown Invasion of the late 60's, and the Internet Bubble Clowns of the turn of this most recent century.

My brothers and sisters and I train in secret, passing on our methods and ancient weapons down from generation to generation, continually on Watch for the next incarnation of the nefarious white-faced, red-nosed demons. We are store keepers, lawyers, graphic designers, and swimming instructors by day. But at night, we don our robes and practice the ancient arts of Clown Fighting in our secret Dojos and Lairs, strategically placed throughout the world, ready to spring into action at the first sign of the return of The Demented Ones.

Psychic High School, we have heard your call, and obey!

Even now, my brothers and sisters are arriving from across the globe, sharpening our steel and waxing our mustaches (mustaches are a requirement for both the men and women of our order) and doing lots of "oooofs!" and "ummphs" as we practice our squats and do our stretches to meet the evil of these Horrifying Plastic Clowns that have invaded your otherwise pristine grounds.

With the snow, of course, some flights have been delayed, and there was a spot of trouble with the GPS on the bus that was commandeered, but verily, verily soon we shall have a quorum, and the game will be afoot! We will slash these Horrifying Plastic Clowns down where they stand and send them back to the devilish circus that spawned them, you can bet on that, by jolly.

Most truthfully yours,

Sir Olaf McHandshake
Grand Highbob of the Ancient Order of the Knights of the Wig
XXXVth Division, Reserves

- 2/18/2015 2:59pm

So it's my first day here but why are there knights in white tunics and mustaches running around everywhere beating the shrubbery with their swords?

They left some of their equipment laying around so i grabbed a costume and a sword as a souvenir. I hope that was ok. Fits perfectly!

- 2/21/2015 3:35pm

Unfortunately I discovered it is true - Psyhigh IS beset by Horrifying Plastic Clowns. And they ARE hideous!

I was playing around in the silly knights costume - the white tunic with the seltzer-bottle in the red X on it, the sword, the fake mustache, and luckily the ornate, geared, anti-clown goggles, when I saw my first one. I was so lucky I had the goggles on! I didn't even think, but just started swinging. They're not very fast or clever, and I was able to lop off its horrendous plastic head with one blow.

But then there was another that took its place. And another.

I just kept on swinging, my blade frothing in the banana cream that they seem to be filled with. Soon I was in a field of clown parts - heads mostly on one side, bodies on the other - occasional arms and rubber chickens strewn here and there.

I turned and almost took the head off @Sir Olaf McHandshake, who I realized had been by my side, hacking away at the sickening, terrifying multitudes. He just laughed and cried out "Jolly Hurrah!" and gave me a giant bear hug.

He's invited me to the "ale house" for a meeting of his "group." Apparently I get a free initiation!

But god, those clowns are the creepiest.

Sorcha Dark Witch
- 4/8/2015 10:12am

oh god.. I've been spotted! are these Cabhan's demons, or some horrifying other thing... I'm certainly not safe... help me.. please! Not only that, but I've started hearing voices... some hard purple.. thing has started growing on my arm!

- 5/26/2015 3:40pm

Dear Somebody,
I have had one of THOSE days. You know the kind. You're just walking along the school grounds, when suddenly, you get hit by an ice cream truck! And you think, maybe it's because you're invisible, but then you check, and you're perfectly visible, and the truck is backing up to hit you AGAIN!! And the worst part, the horrificly nightmarish part permanently imprinted into your memory, is that when you look inside the truck to see who in The Sacred Goddess's Name is driving the cursed vehicle, you see a hideously grotesque PLASTIC CLOWN WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE. A BUTCHER KNIFE!!!! And even worse, the ice cream truck was OUT. OF. SPRINKLES.
I am currently reviving from this terrifying experience in the infirmary, and am on a strict diet of chocolate frosting and sprinkles. Lots of sprinkles.
Hopefully I will feel well enough to attend classes tomorrow.
Farewell for now,

- 3/17/2017 8:03pm

The Clowns are back.

I don't mean to alarm anyone unnecessarily, nor do I want to create a panic, but if you registered higher than a 1.3GH on the Clown Aversion Scale, I strongly suggest you keep your Anti-Clown Goggles close at hand until further notice.

After beating back the Horrific Clown Influx of '15, @Sir Olaf McHandshake took me on as his squire. He also formally initiated me as an acolyte of the Knights of the Wig, and trained me in the ancient secrets of Clown Fighting.

Now we are called on once again to stand up and repel these wretched invaders. And repel them we will! With our swords and our seltzer, we will drive them back to the dark corners of the big tops from whence they came!

In their orange hair and blue suits and red ties and tiny hands, they seek to destroy all we hold dear and sacred, but Nay we say! Nay!

Let the quorum of the Knights of the Wig commence! Beware ye Horrifying Plastic Clowns!

Most sincerely,

Lady Bettricia
Novice Expendablist of the Ancient Order of the Knights of the Wig
XXXVth Division, Reserves

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