@Mega-Ultra Queen Mod

Hi, I'm new here, and my [old] best friend who is ordinary has many life problems like her anxiety that I always had to fix. Like, if she was nervous about a big test, I could look into the future and tell her she was gonna get an A, and then she would be fine. But now since she doesn't have me, I want to help her! So yes, I am donating, and thank you for starting this great cause!

Wishing I had something interesting to post.

Note: This is the second part out of three in Jarvis and Clare's adventure inside the [Save the Ordinary People] program, where instead of arranging the requested family, an anomaly happened and they became the ones being watched.

"Still not working."

Clare and I were sitting inside a coffee shop a few blocks from the scene of the grime. While Clare was observing the surroundings through his built-in abilities [Alarm] and [Search], I ordered a cup of cappuccino and a set of three fresh bagels.

"You want some?" I asked Clare.

"I don't eat. Also, any impurities would just obstruct my abilities."

"If that's so, then why are you eating my snack at home?"

"I kinda want to know what food tastes like."

Clare was worn out from our search earlier. After calling Support and hearing the same answer, Clare and I retreated to this place. A pair of oddballs--one is wearing a steampunky leather jacket, jeans and aviator helmet, and the other in khaki shorts, slippers, and black Superman T-shirt--received sharp gazes from the patrons inside.

"How was it?" I asked Claire.

"When I tried to do a thorough scan from Moho up to low-earth orbit, it only revealed remnants of the house and...uhm...curious...chalk."

"Have you tried looking somewhere else?"

"I also scanned the alley. Nothing."

I leaned back on my chair. "If only I wasn't so useless..."

"Don't say that. It was you who've been doing the thinking for the past few hours. Take a break."

I sip some coffee and took a bite on a bagel. "Clare, this bagel's funny."

I called the waitress by the counter.

"Is there something wrong?" The waitress asked with a bright smile.

"There's something wrong with my bagel. It tastes funny."

The waitress stopped moving, smile still plastered on her face. The surrounding patrons and the barkeepers also stopped moving, also smiling towards Clare and Jarvis.

Clare heard a deafening alarm.

==============================
[Alarm]

An ability where the brain sends the ear a signal similar to when the user hears an alarm clock ringing. This ability activates when sensors indicate the presence of a threat to one's life. The amplitude of the signal is directly proportional to the magnitude threat sensed.

This ability is part of the [Survival] set. Please contact your local government's Bioengineering Division for details.
==============================

"Are you sure, sir? Does it really taste funny?"

As the waitress was speaking, everybody in the room approached our table.

Clare and I realized long ago that the reality in this 'world' is not normal. Something will happen.

I began the process of spatial swap.

"[Switch] Plate Mallet."

I stretched out my hand to the plate and a mallet appeared under the bagels, replacing the plate.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Arizona, a man was bashing a plate into his fence.

I gave Clare a quick gaze and we both stood up on our chairs. I picked up the mallet and broke the glass window. We jumped outside and ran away.

I looked back and saw the people inside the coffee shop shift their shape. Their 'skin' started crumbling like broken ceramic and a reddish skin appeared. Their bodies became bony and their mouths were wide open, leaking green to yellowish saliva. Their eyes were shut tight. These hunched beings went out of the coffee shop and into the streets, attacking the people passing by.

I found a lamp post.

"[Switch] lamp laser_turret."

A turret shooting streams of concentrated plasma appeared instead on top of the post. Meanwhile, somewhere in the Donohasian System, a Type II civilization has been defeated and is now bound to extinction because their last line of defense has been replaced by a light bulb.

*pow* *pow* *pow*

The turret started shooting the ghoulish creatures after Clare hacked it.

"Jarv, what's this. I've never seen a software like this."

"Just send it a psychic override." I said.

"How convenient." Clare said.

A storm was brewing in the horizon, with dozens of tornadoes approaching the city. The buildings around us started crumbling, squirting red liquid all over the place. A fire broke out. Another group of monsters ran in front of us.

"Hahaha...the reality is breaking." I said.

"This is bad, Jarv. A breaking reality is a black hole. It implodes. Destroys everything inside it."

"Too late now, Clare."

"I'm sorry, Jarv, but I got to say something. I--"

"--if I'm going down, they're coming with me. [Switch] 'Jarvis Makepeace'&&'Clarence O''Keeffe' 'Howard Poynitz'&&'Melanie Poynitz'"

Warm light surrounded us as the surrounding started to fade into a living room. Clare and I were sitting with three teenagers, all pointing their handguns towards us. The screen in front of us showed Mr and Mrs Poynitz being eaten by the creatures. Tears poured out from the children as they held their guns, refusing to look at the grotesque scene.

I looked at them. They are the missing family. We have just sent these children's parents to their doom.

"Jarv, we're here. We're at the client's place."

"Yes, and we just killed their parents."

Joshua, Luke, and Emy Poynitz fired their guns and Clare and I lost consciousness.

We woke up inside a round room and a group of people was staring at us from a wall of glass.

Weird. As SOP representatives, we're supposed to meet the family of ordinary people but their house in the middle of a bustling city in a busy street is now an empty lot. Really strange, right?

Cut live wires were sparkling on the road. Pipes were leaking out water into the piece of land devoid of lawn grass. Sewerage pipes were creating a fountain of poop. Oh dear lord the place just looked like a nuclear fallout without the nuclear but poop. The cleared land looked like a floor plan though. When you look at the lot, you would feel that there should be something in there but for some reason wasn't.

"What a shitstorm."

While looking at the lot, someone patted my shoulder. It was a copper. "Do you know the guys who live here?"

I said "No, but we're supposed to meet today. Some sort of get-together for the holidays."

"Alright. Alright. If I were you though, I'd stay clear of this place. It's creepy." Then the copper left while giving that 'I'm watching you' gesture. Sheesh. I'll never look at number two the same way again.

"So where's the family," asks Clare.

"Oblivion, maybe. Hey, why are you here?"

"I'm bored at home. Something interesting pops up whenever you go out."

"Look. It wasn't my fault my powers activated when I went out and we switched places. It's also wasn't my fault that you're here. You just popped up in my room and tried to harass me every time there's an o--stop that."

When I went into battle mode, Clare raised his hands. "I'll stop. I'll stop. Just calm down."

"This psychic battle suit is really handy. You can't see it but you can sense it. Don't you dare touch me."

Clare and I continued to monitor the situation around the lot. Cars were slowing down to get a glimpse of the poop fountain. People from the city hall arrived and started the clean up.

We tried to call customer support.

"I'm sorry, sir, but the assignment in the app is still valid. There are no indications that the entire family passed away or that they are missing. Remember that in the event that they died while in your care, we would immediately summon you in the headquarters and take appropriate actions."

"Appropriate actions? Look, young lady. The family and their house is gone from the lot. Your app is broken."

"No, sir. We can assure you that the app is not broken. We took the liberty of running a full scan of your immediate vicinity including the lot where the family should be and found that the family right where you are standing."

"Look, young lady. My friend here and I are the only ones in this stinky alley. And there's no way a bearded man 200 centimeters tall, an obese woman and three teenagers were standing right where I'm at."

"I'm sorry, sir, but that's not our problem. You availed our services and we can assure you that you have not failed yet in your endeavors and we're still not in the position to warp you here. We believe though that you might need to do some tweaking though in your reality. By the way, I'm way over 1892 years old and I'm old enough to feed your plants. Good day."

Toot. The person at the other end slammed a telephone. A telephone in this day and age. You never see that coming.

Clare was staring at me. "Look at you. Look at your eyebrows." He started messing with my face.

"The customer support said something strange. She said the family is here, right at this very spot. Also, she said that I need to do some "tweaking" in reality. Does that make any sense to you?"

"Like lifehacks? Gosh. I thought I'd never use that word. 'Lifehacks' are just clever ways to do things."

"Hey, Clare. What's the clever thing to do when something's missing?"

"Hmmm...aside from finding it, either replace it by creating or buying a new one."

"That's what you do in this reality. But what if there's a distortion in the reality that you know. What if the family and the house that don't exist in our reality starts to exist?"

"Stop it, Jarvis. You know the rules. You can't take what you can't give."

But are the rules really that strict? The mystery of Clarence O'Keeffe's appearance still baffles me.

"You're here. If you're here, then who replaced you? Who did you replace? If you replaced somebody that was so close to my location, who might that be? And if the rules still apply, the family must be around somewhere along with the house. But they're not."

We called customer support again. "I don't care if you're a fossil but you've got to believe me. Something went wrong with our reality. We shouldn't be here."

---

"Is everything to your satisfaction?"

A photo of Jarvis and Clare were posted on the smartphone. The man at the other end of the line stroked his beard as he asked over the loudspeaker. His wife and three children were also listening to the conversation. "We tried to add some cool stuff like what you asked. That shit storm is crazy."

"Of course. I paid for it. Now, when will you do RONDO's Mesmerized Human Circus?"

It's truly inspiring to see the psychic entrepreneurism that our Adopt-a-Human-Family-for-the-Holidays app has generated. We applaud @Juan Cena for his enthusiasm, and after a thorough review, our patent and trademark lawyers will certainly be in touch with him. Look for Psychic Life Alert to be featured soon as an Adopt-a-Human-Family-for-the-Holidays app sponsor!

Which makes this a perfect time to introduce our latest upgrade to the Adopt-a-Human-Family-for-the-Holidays app - Prison TV!

While normal everyday non-psychic Joes and Jolenes are unable to actually comprehend what's going on when they're adopted by a generous psychic via the Adopt-a-Human-Family-for-the-Holidays app, they sometimes seem to realize that *something* is going on. Some of them even feel like they'd like to escape it! Or at least that's what they're telling their therapists.

That's why we're introducing Prison TV! For a small matching donation (greater than combined in-app donations + sponsorship revenue), regular, non-psychic humans can "opt out" of our live, 24/7 broadcast of their Psychic Interventionalist-enhanced experiences and return to a live, 24/7 broadcast of their usual, non-psychically enhanced mundane and dreary lives. Their lives will continue to be broadcast on a ppv basis (to recoup costs), but offered at an amazing discounted rate to our generous psychic audience.

That's just another way we're "giving back" this holiday season.

Enjoy! And if you haven't made your sponsorship donation this week, there's still time before we begin the "penalty phase" with your adopted family. So remember to give generously!

Today my rabid poodle bat ate my toes. I now do not have the ability to walk. But thankfully i had my psychic life alert on hand. All i had to do was press the button and i was levitated off of the ground in moments. Thank psychic life alert.

To purchase Psychic life alert now call: 1-800-psy-life again that number is 1-800-psy-life

Must be 18 years or older to order

This holiday season, the SOP Foundation has been experiencing unprecedented success with our Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app. And it's because of you, the everyday psychics who had it in their hearts to support this crazy idea. It's an idea about giving back, and about love, and about bringing rays of sunshine to the otherwise mundane lives of the non-psychics all around us.

And of course it's been with the help of our investors and benefactors.

This tremendous growth hasn't come cheap. We have increased overhead, travel expenses, clothing expenses, entertainment expenses, new car expenses, makeover expenses, private trainer expenses, and private jet expenses, as well as extensive overtime pay, holiday pay, vacation pay, and bonuses for the hardworking SOP team.

As a result, it's time to unveil the next great upgrade to the Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app -- and we're sure it's one that you're going to be as excited about as we are:

The Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app now comes with sponsors!

That's right! Now you'll be tuning in to you see your favorite adopted human families wearing and using the great brands you've already come to love and trust on such great programs as America's Best Values. Slimey's Coat Oil, Mormo Sportswear, Hideo's Dragon, Ralph Schmartz, Tingly Foot Odor, Tina's Brand Waffle Muffins, and more.

We promise these product placements will be completely natural, and your adopted human family will have no idea they've been manipulated into using these products by our trained team of Psychic Interventionalists. For your family it will be fun! And in many cases, we may even be able to get your family discounts and savings on these products direct from the manufacturers, with convenient mail-in rebates.

We know that you're going to enjoy watching this as much as we are. Stay tuned!

The Psychic Interventionalists made my family able to understand their dog's speech.

I've really REALLY enjoyed my time on the adopt-a-human-family-for-the-holidays app.

One of the most memorable moments has been when the mother of my adopted family was in an ANGRY PLACE. This was before the psychic interventionists did ANYTHING. On my phone I could totally see the red-hot horns coming out of her walls, in her angry place, but of course the rest of the adopted family couldn't see any of that. They were just uncomfortable.

So the interventionalists took her angry place away. For awhile she kept acting like it was there, but it was TOTALLY HILARIOUS to watch her finding out that it wasn't, that she'd try to ram her head up against the pokers but they just weren't there any more, and her family was totally watching her and started laughing and then she did too, because she didn't know what was going on at all, but since she was out of her angry place, it didn't matter.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The Save the Ordinary People foundation was supremely honored to have our Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app featured on America's Best Values. Ray and Melanie and the whole team were really pros, and doing the shoot with them on campus was a joy.

When the piece aired, however, I'm not sure what exactly Mr. & Mrs non-psychic America saw on the screen, since it's the kind of thing non-psychics just can't process. But plenty of psychics across the country did see it - we're nationwide!! - and it even overwhelmed our servers for a moment but we recovered just fine.

America's Best Values has asked us for a followup, and for that we'd like to hear from YOU. How has your experience been? Have any especially warm or hilarious moments observing your adopted human family on the app you'd like to share? Let us know, and we might feature them on ABV's new segment "America's Funniest Humans!" Or maybe they're calling it "Non-psychics Do the Darndest Things!" They're still deciding.

So let us know! What kind of funny human tricks have you seen on our Adopt-a-Human-Family-For-the-Holidays app?