Commissioned Writings, Intern #00814, GROTTO G.S.M
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GROTTO G.S.M. INC. 4/30/2017 1:25pm
HAPPY APRIL FOOLISH'S DAY !!!
WE HAVE PLAYED A JOKE ON YOU !!!
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE !!!
WE DO NOT DO ANYTHING LIKE WRONG OR SOMETHING OR ANYTHING OR SOMETHING HAHAHA!!
WE ARE SO SURPRISED ANYONE WAS FOOLED !!!
WE USUALLY DO NOT INDULGE IN MORTAL HOLIDAYS, BUT AFTER LEARNING OF THIS ONE WE COULD NOT RESIST MAKING A STORY UP!!
OF COURSE WE DID NOT WRITE IT, OUR INTERN #00814 DID, SHE IS A ENGLISH MAJOR.
HAHAH!!! THIS IS A HOLIDAY IS VERY GOOD, UNLIKE OTHER HOLIDAYS MORTALS HAVE COME UP WITH!!!
IT IS A HOLIDAY BASED ON LYING!!! HAHAH
MORTALS, SO CONTRADICTORY!!!
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. 4/30/2017 1:45pm
th is s so ann oy in g g
th ey a r e s o s t up id a n d *lovely*
wha t a e t h ey d o in g !
tho s e * wonderful people* are *great*
*Q: *a r e TH EY S E RI OU S !!
*A: Yes, They are very efficient and serious when it comes to business!!*
O H MY G o sh, *They are so cool!!*
this is ab so l u t l y *fantastic!!!*
I a m sO * happy about the current situation*
*Q:* wh Y di d I tolera t e w or kin g f or tHEm foR so Lo n G ?
*A: They have great policies and a kind and understanding work enviroment*
*Q:* I dO n ' t r e m Em b e r e v en a pp lyi ng t o woRk He r e
*A: That's because the application process is so painless and easy that you won't even remember it!*
*Q:* W h A t d i d I do be for e I w ork ed at he r e ?
*A: You wasted you time with other jobs*
*Q:* H ow l O n g h a V e I w o r KEd he r e ? I do n ' T re m e m Be r the la St
t i me I sa w my fa m ily, or w e nt h ome. W hE r e do I l iVe ?
*A: Oh, funny funny, you always have been a joker!*
*Q:* T ha T ar T i cle on A pr I l 1 St , I w a s jus t loo ki n g t h r ou gh the ar ch iv e s fo r s o M e t h I n g un b e l i ev a ble , b U t th at f el t so fa mila ir a nd close
W H y w A S I t s o F Am i lar and CLose?
*A: Well, all interns have complete access to the archives, so you probably just read it before*
*Q:* WHO A R E Y O U !? S om E f o o lSI h in tern li ke me ?
*A: Please stop typing so fast, I can't keep up.*
*Q:* NO! ! W hY A R e YO u DO iN g THis !!!
*A: I work for GROTTO G.S.M. INC. It is my jo
stop it !!
don't you dare press post! DON'T YOU
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. 5/2/2017 5:55pm
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. is incredibly sorry due to the release of recent inaccurate information posted our journal. We apologize for the confusion. A intern high jacked our system to play a prank on her friends. We apologize for this misinformation. This employee has been give a new job and is going into new training programs to prevent further problems. Until then, The normal articles with continue under our new intern, intern #00815. Thank you and apologizes for the inconvenience. We will be working on new security features to ensure this does not happen in the future.
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. 5/2/2017 6:11pm
Hi. I am intern #00815. I recently started working here! It seems like it is going to be really fun and I am glad I will be writing here. I used to write a journal here at the school, but after starting at GROTTO G.S.M. INC. I had to stop writing in it.
My first article is below!!
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. PRESENTS:
How to be a good friend
By Intern #00815
Relationships between humans are based on two components, #1 Shared Beliefs and Thoughts and #2 Frequency of Accouters.
Humans are interesting in the way that they despise people who are unlike them and like those who are. Humans who share similar beliefs like each other. No matter how much humans say that they love everyone independent on other characteristics, they are 91.99% likely to be lying, because humans are groupers.
This means they like to be with people like themselves, and they separate others into groups. Groups are characterized by arbitrary characteristics, such as weight and race. These characteristics are then given meaning that makes no sense, i.e. male = strong, asian=smart,etc..
Humans probably find this due to the fact that their only source of fist hand info is through their sense, which are notoriously unreliable. To illustrate this, Let's say two squares meet. Square #1 is yellow and loud and Square #2 is blue and quiet. If you were a human, you now assume that yellow=loud and blue=quiet. It is an interesting adaptation that has caused conflicts throughout their short history.
So, what is the application of these principles? Well, seek out humans similar to you, or pretend to be similar to every human you meet.
Next you need to spend enough time with someone in a steady increment, so that you can maintain your level of closeness. As a general rule, More time you spend with someone, the closer you get, the less time you spend, the farther you drift appart. For example, Humans have a practice called "marriage", (where they bind themselves to another human being in an eternal agreement. It is supposed to be valued (?) on earth, but they also have a practice called "divorce" that takes the eternal agreement away. ), when to humans "wed" it is because they want to spend more time together.
Now you know exactly how to maintain a human relationship.
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. 5/3/2017 5:01pm
Hey everyone, its me, Intern #00814. I snuck out of the containment facility into the guards lounge. I stole a laptop and ran out, I will tell you more so someone can possibly find me!!
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. 5/3/2017 5:09pm
I was never in the guards lounge and I never stole a laptop!!!!
I am in my cell typing on the phone of a visitor whom I pick-pocketed!
Upon seeing my post, All the stupid little guards ran to the guards lounge.
Now the all the guards are trapped in the guards lounge!!!
I decided it was the most humane way to trap them, since it has all the food, water, and space a growing guard could want. I also threw some dog toys and some out-dated memes (they don't get outside much, so they have never encountered memes enough to know what they are), so they could stay entertained. I also made sure their was enough newspaper laid out, as well as self cleaning litter boxes, so that the environment stayed clean.
My initial plan was to pickpocket a ID off a guard, but I found it too hard due to the sharp teeth and claws of the guards.
Instead, I will find a way out of my cell.
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. 5/3/2017 5:14pm
Even after I tricked all the guards the warden still ran right into my trap!!
I heard the clicking of her heels from down the hall as I trapped her inside my cell!!
Now I sit in the laboratory on the fifth floor!!!
I have a map and have devised a plan out!
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. 5/3/2017 5:36pm
Sadly I am now cornered in a closet, as the management has found me .
Truly, How idiotic can they be!! I have completely escaped!
This is how:
The Warden does not allow her daughter to eat sugar. So, I purchased a box of Twinkies from the prison store. I told her daughter that I would trade two Twinkies, if she got me laundry duty at the third shift for the next two days and access to two hours at the library.The kid was suspicious,but couldn't see the harm, so, she got me a place on the third shift and gave me a pass to open the locked doors. I wanted the third shift, because that is when all the guards clothing is being washed. As, I washed clothing each day, I snuck pieces of the guard uniform back to my cell each time . The passes, I learned, unlock all the doors, not just specific ones. Then at dinner time, I took the pass and unlocked the confiscated items closet. I then found my journal and took it back to my cell.
Then tonight, I began my trick.
I posted my first post and in the ruckus of the guards rushing past, the video cams were broken. I then dressed in the guard uniform, my face covered. I posted the next post and the warden ran into the cell, unlocking it. She was confused and I said, "She went in the halls!"
As the Warden began to rush out, I moved at the same time, tripping her and , making it seem like an accident that she was trapped in my cell. I posted my next post, mostly to taunt the management, but partially because since the lab was on the other side of the prison, I knew it would be at least as long as it took to cross the building, until the management would be rushing towards my cell.
I will post more, as time goes on, but for now my friends,
GROTTO G.S.M. INC. 5/10/2017 4:07pm
THERE HAS BEEN HORRID OCCURRENCE
YOU WERE INVOLVED.
HOW COULD YOU JUST HAVE STOOD BY, NEVER EVEN CONSIDERING THAT THE FOLKS AT GROTTO G.S.M. MIGHT NOT BE LYING?
A CRIMINAL HAS ESCAPED. IT IS IRRELEVANT FROM WHERE, ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT A CRIMINAL HAS ESCAPED.
NOW YOU, BLINDLY TURNED YOUR EYE. YOU SEARCHED THROUGH YOU HOMES FOR HIDDEN CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES AND BROKE THEM.
YOU LET THE CRIMINAL PASS BY SAFELY WITHOUT EVEN ALTERING US OF THE CRIMINAL'S EXISTENCE
YOU WERE PERSUADED BY WITTY WRITING WRITTEN UNDER A PSEUDONYM. ACHAVA IS NOT A REAL NAME YOU KNOW.
YOU AUTOMATICALLY JUST THOUGHT WE WERE IN THE WRONG.
YOU JUST TURNED ON US IN A FLAT SECOND
BECAUSE OF YOUR NEGLIGENCE
THERE A HAS BEEN A HORRID OCCURRENCE.
WE CAN BARELY LOOK AT YOU, WE ARE SO ANGRY.
OF COURSE, OUR GROTTO UNDISCLOSED SECURITY GUARDS WILL LOOK FOR US.
HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS ?
DO WE MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU??
IF WE WERE CAPABLE OF:
complex secretomotor phenomenon characterized by the shedding of tears from the lacrimal apparatus, without any irritation of the ocular structures
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS "CRYING" WE WOULD SHEDDING MANY TEARS FROM MANY LACRIMAL APPARATUS'.
FOR YOU HAVE COMPLETELY BETRAYED US!!!
IT WAS MASSACRE.
THOUSANDS OF FLOWERS SLASHED RIGHT IN THEIR FLOOR BEDS.
THIS IS THE MONSTROSITY YOU HAVE ENABLED.
WE HAVE THE VERY FOOTAGE SHOWING THE CRIMINAL CRUELLY SLITTING THE NECKS AND CUTTING THE WINGS AND HOOVES OFF EVERY TULIP, DAISY AND ROSE.
THIS HORRID OCCURRENCE IS NOT ONLY ON THE SHOULDERS OF THE CRIMINAL, BUT ON THE SOLDIERS OF THE CITIZENS. YOU REMOVED THE MICROPHONES, YOU REMOVED THE CAMERAS, YOU REMAINED SILENT
THANKFULLY, MANY SECURITY PRECAUTIONS WERE STILL IN PLACE AND THE CHARISMATIC AND WITTY CRIMINAL HAS BEEN CAUGHT.
OF COURSE, WITH NO HELP FROM YOU.
GROTTO G.S.M. INC.
WE CAN ALWAYS HEAR YOU™
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