My parents have been living on Grubhub ever since they locked themselves in the TV room with the "parents' bonus." The Grubhub drivers have instructions to bring it right to the door of the TV room. I hide around the corner in the hall and wait for them to take the sack and the door pops open and they grab it and shut the door.

I've been living on meals from the school cafeteria and sneaking home what I can for snacks. Most of the bills are on autopay I guess, but one came in the mail for the garbage and I'm not sure what to do. Send them a check? I know where mom keeps her checkbook is but I've never written one. I guess there's YouTube videos.

The "parents' bonus" came in the mail today. Mom and dad took it into the TV room and locked the door behind them. That was about two in the afternoon and they haven't come out since. So I made myself a frozen pizza and worked on stuff for school. I can't believe they give you homework even before the school year starts.

I dialed the 800 number from the ad about “free and ominous conversations” and it really was free, and ominous, but when it didn’t scare me away they gave me an invite so I joined.

My parents weren’t happy at first but all the transfers paperwork and stuff just happens automatically so there wasn’t anything they could do about it. Plus when they find out about the “parents' bonus” they'll be totally into it.