Lynne Diatribe

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11/9/2018 8:45am

If you still have a cat but no longer think you can care for it, you really should take a look at the underground cat forums and check out the hashtag #secretshelter. If you’re in the area you can even hook up with my grandma (look for the user MadGranny87) and she’d help you out, no questions asked. She has people put them in a box in the alley behind her house so there’s no way to track where it came from if the Cat Busters from the CDC end up raiding her.

That’s really the best thing to do. The method suggested by @kiki is not only inhumane, but blasting their infected flesh all over the place is super dangerous because it spreads the virus.

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11/7/2018 9:39am

Grandma treats her cats with healing massage. They love it, being cats, and it really seems to help get them through their mutations. They say the initial phase lasts two months, and since grandma has her hands all over the cats she can feel all their changes as their bones rearrange themselves into different positions. She calls it Healing Visionary Veterinary Sculpture because she says they are pliant during this period and proper massage can make the difference between life-threatening chaos and something beautiful, like sprouting wings.

“You just feel what they could become and let your hands do the work,” she says. “And listen for their purrs.”

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11/2/2018 3:41pm

The cats get scraps, since of course cat food is illegal. I know there's all kinds of ways to create "natural fish flavor" since the seas boiled and there's no more wild fish, because we've all had "fish sticks" which are just like all the other "sticks" except smelly. Do they really make all those sticks out of purely vat-grown protein? Grandma doesn't believe it--she thinks that's what they're gathering up all the cats for.

"But grandma," I say, "they wouldn't feed people infected cat meat," but she says that since all the GMO laws were repealed there's nothing stopping them. So she doesn't eat "sticks," and just lives off her tiny garden.

It took awhile to convince the cats to be vegetarian too, till they got hungry enough. "But grandma, cats can't be vegetarian. It goes against their entire evolution."

"All bets are off after they modified my cats," she says.

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10/30/2018 8:26am

I'm afraid grandma's getting in over her head with the cats. It's bad enough keeping them from the windows so the neighbors don't report them, but now the black and white one is going to have kittens! Which frankly doesn't make sense, given that they never go out and the big ginger male is definitely neutered. Grandma thinks it's parthenogenesis, occurring because of the genetic virus.

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10/11/2018 8:46am

Remember when there were so many cats we didn’t know what to do with them all? They couldn’t get rid of them fast enough at the Humane Society, and you know what they had to do with the surplus. Who knew that merely trying to alter crops growing in fields by using viruses to transmit genetic changes to plants would leap to felines so quickly? That wasn’t supposed to be possible. Nature is a mystery. And unforgiving, apparently.

Grandma still loves hers and keeps them inside, of course, but is terrified of the “jackbooted thugs” from the CDC busting down her door and taking them from her. She spends way too much time on those underground cat forums with all the crazies. But it is too bad they can’t just take DNA samples. If grandma lost her cats it would totally crush her. I feel like they’re the only thing that keeps her going.

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