I AM MEKHENOTEP! TASKMASTER OF KINGS! ANNIHILATOR OF THE IMPURE! BOARD MEMBER OF A GROWING NUMBER OF FORTUNE 500 COMPANIES!

MY EMPIRE CONTINUES TO GROW. BOOKINGS ARE UP, AS IS PARTICIPATION IN OUR LOYALY PROGRAM. MY 4000 YEAR OLD SHELL COMPANY, SUN BOAT CRUISES LLC, IS INVESTING HEAVILY IN MIND-CONTROL HIEROGLYPHS FOR VIRAL DISTRIBUTION.

BUT SADLY, ALL IS NOT WELL IN THE HEART OF MY KINGDOM. A CHILD HAS ARRIVED! AND NOT MY OWN. THOUGH THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE DANGEROUS. NO, THIS IS THE OFFSPRING OF MY CHOSEN CONCUBINE, MY DESERT ROSE, MY @Pepper Jack. HOW IS MEKHENOTEP TO KNOW OF YOUR RING-BEARING MARITAL RITUALS? AT LEAST I CHECKED TO MAKE SURE IT WAS NOT MAGIC.

THIS CHILD DISRUPTS THE HARMONY OF MY PALACE. THIS CHILD SEEKS TO LEAD MY SLAVES OUT OF BONDAGE! THIS CHILD UTTERS THE VILE INCANTATION OF "CLASS ACTION SUIT!"

WHAT TO DO? TO AFFLICT THIS FOUL HUMAN WITH MY NIGHTMARE LASH WOULD COMPLICATE RELATIONS WITH MY BELOVED. ON THE OTHER HAND, REVENUE COULD BE SEVERELY IMPACTED IF I DO NOT ACT! THE IMMORTAL LIFE OF MEKHENOTEP IS TRULY CURSED BY THE GODS.

I WILL USE MY RING OF POWER TO ENACT TOTAL CONTROL OVER THIS @Monterey Jack. I WILL USE THE POWER OF MY WILL, IN THE SAME WAY I CONTROL MY NEMESIS CHEERY OLSON AND BIND HIM T....

Hey @Monterey Jack! I'm from Psyhigh too! I heard that you were down south. We should totally get together and hang. Can't wait to hear stories about the old school!

I AM MEKHENOTEP! MASTER OF THE BURNING SANDS! ERECTOR OF TEMPLES TO ETERNITY! OWNER OF SEVERAL TREMENDOUS PROPERTIES!

MEKHENOTEP HAS BEEN WORKING HARD. FOR MANY MONTHS I TOILED, RECREATING THE GLORIES OF DAYS GONE BY, GROWING MY EMPIRE OF DESTRUCTION ONE VACATION RENTAL PROPERTY AT A TIME. MY 4000 YEAR OLD SHELL COMPANY, SUN BOAT CRUISES LLC, HAS BEEN IN ACQUISITION MODE.

BUT MEKHENOTEP REALIZED ONE THING -- THERE IS NO GOING BACK. OLD LOVES DIE HARD. OR, IN THE CASE OF MY OLD GIRL FRIEND, NOT DIE AT ALL, BUT GO COMPLETELY NUTSO. WE HAVE GROWN TOO FAR APART IN OUR IMMORTALITY.

AT FIRST MEKHENOTEP THOUGHT PERHAPS HE WAS LOSING HIS VIRILITY. 4000 YEARS CAN MESS WITH YOUR LIBIDO. BUT NOW MY HAREM HAS GROWN LARGE ONCE MORE, AND THE LOVELY DESERT FLOWER WHO CALLS HERSELF @Pepper Jack CALLS TO ME ACROSS THE WASTES OF MY ANCIENT HEART.

SOON SHE WILL GAZE INTO MY RING OF POWER AND LOSE HERSELF UTTERLY TO MY TIMELESS CHARM. SHE WILL FIND IRRESISTIBLE MY NEMES HEADDRESS, MY HEQA SCEPTER, MY TOTALLY FOXY URAEUS.

BUT STILL I DO MENTAL BATTLE WITH THE ONE CALLED CHEERY OLSON. HIS REIGN IS GREATLY LIMITED, BUT HIS SPARK WILL NOT DIE! ONE OF THESE DAYS I WILL CATCH HIM UNAWARES, AND AT THAT TIME I WI...

Yo @Buck Rainier! Long time no write! How's it going? I kinda had to drop out of school, but now I've got my own place and a job and everything. It's great! It's at a theme park outside of Marfa, TX. My room is awesome, and the work is totally easy. I goof off practically all day long!

I AM MEKHENOTEP! CONTROLLER OF WINDS AND TIDES AND OF FIRE. MASTER OF THE UNKNOWN VOID! RULER OF THIS LAND YOU CALL AMERICA!

I AM THE TRUE AMERICAN PHARAOH! WHO IS THIS IMPOSTOR "AMERICAN PHAROAH?!!" AND WHY DO THEY INSIST ON THE MISSPELLING?

MEKHENOTEP WILL EXPLAIN. EARLY ON, I ORDERED MY 4000 YEAR OLD SHELL COMPANY, SUN BOAT CRUISES LLC, TO TRADEMARK "AMERICAN PHARAOH." SO THIS IMPOSTOR IS OBVIOUSLY AND DELIBERATELY ATTEMPTING TO INFRINGE UPON MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY RIGHTS.

ONLY MEKHENOTEP WEARS THE "TRIPLE CROWN" OF EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE! ONLY MEKHENOTEP RESIDES IN THE TRUE TOWER OF POWER! TIME HAS COME TODAY!

SIGH. PERHAPS MEKHENOTEP IS JUST LOOKING FOR NEW DRAGONS TO SLAY. MY BRIDE HAS ELUDED ME IN THE DESOLATE WILDERNESS OF THE LAND YOU CALL TEXAS. I HAVE CONQUERED THE UNINCORPORATED ECO-VILLAGES OF THAI ORNAMENT, IN SUNNY BOCA RATON, FL, LLC, WITH THE POWER OF MY JP MORGAN CHASE PALLADIUM CARD. BECAUSE THEY DO NOT TAKE AMERICAN EXPRESS.

NOW I TAKE MY FINAL STEP TO ULTIMATE IMMORTALITY. I WILL DEFEAT THE PUNY MIND OF CHEERY OLSON, THE TINY CONSCIOUSNESS THAT CLINGS TO THE BONE OF THE SKULL OF THIS VESSEL. I AM PREPARED NOW TO INVOKE THE APOCALYPTIC BANDS OF THEMERIA, AND EITHER BREAK THIS UNIVERSE IN TWO OR.....

Hey @Buck Rainier! Sorry so long no write! I ended up having to split to my grandma's place in Boca Raton. I've been doing the distance learning thing, which is ok but totally not as good as being on campus. I mean, there's nobody to put on a play with down here!

I AM MEKHENOTEP! RULER OF THE INFINITE SANDS! POSSESSOR OF THE STRENGTH OF A THOUSAND RIVERS! BRINGER OF FIERY DEATH AND ETERNAL DAMNATION! BEARER OF FLOWING LOCKS OF LUXURIOUS HAIR AND BOYISH GOOD LOOKS!

ER, WELL, MAYBE NOT THAT LAST PART SO MUCH. THE MILLENNIA HAVE NOT BEEN KIND TO MEKHENOTEP. MY WRAPPINGS DISINTEGRATING, MY HEADDRESS TATTERED, AND MY CROOK AND FLAIL COULD USE SOME POLISHING.

BUT MY BONE STRUCTURE IS STILL QUITE REGAL! NOT TO MENTION THAT TWINKLE IN MY EYE SOCKETS!

WITH ALL THE POWERS OF THE IMMORTAL GODS AT MY DISPOSAL, WHY DOES MEKHENOTEP CONCERN HIMSELF WITH SUCH VANITY?

AN OLD GIRLFRIEND HAS RETURNED.

THERE WERE OTHER RINGS, LIKE MINE, CREATED LONG AGO. EMERGENCY ESCAPE PLANS FOR MYSELF AND THE LOYAL MEMBERS OF MY COURT. APPARENTLY MY 4000 YEAR OLD SHELL COMPANY, SUN BOAT CRUISES, LLC, KEPT TRACK OF THEM, AND PLACED THEM ALL IN BOXES OF FRUITY NUTTY O's.

I REALLY WISH THEY WOULD HAVE CHECKED WITH ME FIRST ON THAT.

BUT, WHAT IS DONE IS DONE. IT WILL BE NICE TO SEE SOME OLD FACES. THOUGH A MIND CAN GO QUITE MAD, SOMETIMES, TRAPPED IN A RING FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS. NOT THAT MY OLD GIRLFRIEND WAS EVER THAT "EASY GOING" TO BEGIN WITH. OY.

AFTER HER AWAKENING SHE FLED THIS SCHOOL. I MUST LOCATE HER, PERHAPS IN MY MIGHTY CHEVROLET. IF I CAN CONTROL THE MIND OF MY SIMPERING HOST, CHEERY OLSON, LONG ENOUGH TO FIND MY KEYS THEN I MIGHT....

Gee @Buck Rainier, what happened to Casey? Did you tell her that I might be crushing on her? I really didn't want that kind of drama in our play. Ha ha get it? But man, she is hot.

I AM MEKHENOTEP! MY RIBS WRAPPED IN RIBBONS - MY EYES POOLS OF CLAY - I AM RESPLENDENT IN MY GOLDEN CHEVROLET!

I HAVE TAKEN THE MEASURE OF THIS SCHOOL AND ITS ENVIRONS AND FOUND THEM LACKING. NO WARRIOR HERE WORTHY THE FURY OF MY NIGHTMARE LASH, WHICH SHATTERS THE SOUL AND CASTS IT TO THE DOGS OF ANUBIS. NO STRUCTURE HERE A MATCH FOR MY GAZE OF FIRE, WHICH ERODES THE VERY FIBER OF REALITY AND INCINERATES! NO SLAVE HERE DESERVING ENOUGH TO UNPACK MY SPECIAL BAG OF PRIVATE THINGS!

THIS IS NOT THE PROMISED LAND OF MEKHENOTEP!

I HAVE LEARNED OF A PLACE IN THIS WORLD THAT HOLDS ALL THAT I DESIRE. DESOLATE SANDS. RED ROCK, JUNIPER, AND SAGE. TALL SUNSETS. IT IS A LAND CALLED - TEXAS.

I HAVE ORDERED MY 4000 YEAR OLD SHELL COMPANY, SUN BOAT CRUISES LLC, TO DIVERSIFY INTO TIME SHARES. SOON I WILL CONQUER A TIME SHARE IN THIS PLACE CALLED TEXAS, AND DRINK IN THE SERENE MELANCHOLY OF ITS PURPLE SKIES.

OR MAYBE BOCA RATON. I HEAR IT IS NICE.

BUT FIRST, I MUST VANQUISH THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE ONE CALLED CHEERY OLSON. I MUST CONSUME HIS SOUL COMPLETELY TO FULLY COMMAND THE VESSEL OF HIS BODY. HE MUST MOVE MY RING OF UNDOING TO THE FINGER OF POWER. I STRAIN AGAINST HIS PUNY MIND, URGING HIM ON TO GRA....

Which finger do you think my ring looks best on? I mean, if it's on my right ring finger, does that mean I'm married? Casey says it means I'm gay-married, which, I mean, I'm totally not against, but, the way she says it... God is she cute. Don't tell her I said that, @Buck Rainier!

I AM MEKHENOTEP! FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS I HAVE SLUMBERED, WAITING FOR ONE TO DON MY RING OF UNDOING. THROUGH HIM I HAVE ARISEN. NOW I WILL RULE AGAIN, LAYING WASTE TO ALL WHO OPPOSE ME WITH MY NIGHTMARE LASH AND MY GAZE OF FIRE.

FOR EONS I LAY, NEITHER LIVING NOR DEAD, MY SOUL TRAPPED WITHIN THE RING. THEN, THROUGH MY 4000 YEAR OLD SHELL COMPANY, SUN BOAT CRUISES LLC, I WAS ABLE TO HAVE MY RING PLACED IN A BOX OF FRUITY NUTTY O's CEREAL.

FOR MANY PHASES OF THE MOON THE BOX OF FRUITY NUTTY O's LANGUISHED ON THE SHELF, BUT MEKHENOTEP KNOWS PATIENCE. ONE DAY THE DELIVERER WOULD COME AND PURCHASE THE BOX OF FRUITY NUTTY O's, AND DISCOVER THE TREASURE HIDDEN INSIDE.

NOW, THAT TIME HAS COME. THE ONE CALLED CHEERY OLSON IS NO MORE. HE HAS PLACED THE RING UPON THE INDEX FINGER OF HIS LEFT HAND AND.... WAIT! NO! I AM LOOKING AT MY HANDS AND SEE THAT HE HAS PLACED IT ON THE RING FINGER OF HIS RIGHT HAND! THIS MEANS THE TRANSFORMATION IS INCOMPLETE! THIS IS UNACC.....

Hey whoa! Checkout this badass ring I got in a cereal box! Am I heavy metal now or what? And who's been writing on my login? Did I get hacked? @Buck Rainier, was that you? You guys and your pranks!