My dog has an arch-rival, and it's Kevin, the Nicest Dog in the World.

We're on a walk and my dog suddenly stands stock still.

"What is it boy?"

"Grrrrr..."

Kevin is up ahead with a small crowd around him, oooing and awwwing and petting his head.

For all his numerous psychic abilities, my dog can't make people like him like that. Something about him makes people's hackles rise. Not a great trait for a Psychic Service Dog.

We go home and he reads magazines for the rest of the day.

Woof! I happen to be the Kevin you speak of, @Crispy Genie. And yes, I am the nicest dog in the world.

This stems from my psychic ability to be cute. Yes, I have the power to make my eyes big and wag my tail and get lots of pats. All over my body! So much love!

Oh yes, I can also talk. I've never heard your little puppy talk. I suppose it can't? It's nothing to be ashamed of, I'm sure there's plenty of dogs out there who can't talk, just like yours.

But please, do take care. I wouldn't want you... treading on my tail now, would I? And no need to be jealous, I'm happy to be a replacement for your old dog.

My dog's in a funk. He's overthinking the whole "New Year's" thing and being really self-critical about his life choices.

We saw @Kevin, the Nicest Dog in the World, at the New Year's party. Kevin was doing his "can can" dance where he gets up on his hind legs and does little kicks and the crowd goes wild. My dog just moped and walked home with his tail between his legs.

When you've seen the kinds of things my dog has seen, it's hard to be "on" all the time. But he's getting kind of obsessed about Kevin. He says that Dog Heaven is crooked, and you can pay off the Lottery Reincarnation Board for a good life--getting born into a AKC accredited breed with rich owners, all the advantages--but you get better points in this life if you start without it.

That doesn't seem to console him though. I think it's just sour grapes, but I know better than to say anything. We just sit there, staring off into space.

First it was @Kevin, the Nicest Dog in the World. Now my dog has to contend with Misty, the Dog with a Human Voice.

Kevin can talk too, but he's got the whole "nicest dog in the world" thing going on along with it. Misty just talks. And talks, and talks. Students are still crazy for it, stopping her in the halls or on the school grounds and asking for her opinion on things like the Reality Accident or the temporal refugee crisis. Misty doesn't really seem to know much about them, but boy can she talk.

I'm sure my dog feels like he's being ignored. There's no way you'd know the extent of his power just by looking at him. Sure, he's got his Psychic Service Dog vest that he wears around, but today he didn't even want to put it on. Maybe I teased him too much with the "Lord Sweater Vest" thing.