Meat Mathieson

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The Alteration Society
5/2/2016 9:01pm

Oh, sorry @xiirth. These aren't gluten free by chance?

The Alteration Society
5/1/2016 3:48pm

I've heard you've got some "cake," @xiirth? I may have a little, ummm, problem with my uniform.

Because of my condition, protective coatings have always played an important role in my life. As you know, I have no skin and my muscle tissue is entirely exposed. I've tried all kinds of creams and ointments, bag balm, olive oil, cocnut oil. But nothing has worked as effectively as my uniform from the Alteration Society.

So I've been wearing it A LOT. Too much it turns out. It won't come off.

I prefer natural remedies, and have realized that long term exposure to polytetrafluoroethylene might not be in my best interest. Which is why I'd like to take it off. Except now it's grown into me.

So I'd like to try your breakfast cake.

Psychic Crime Club
3/30/2016 1:00pm

I accept the temporary appointment as interim president of Psychic Crime Club, @Nobody, though I prefer the title "President Tartare."

During my tenure, I believe we should concentrate on attainable, fundamental crimes. I would like these to be the psychic crime priorities for the next month:

1. Lying. But only subjective lies, like answers to "does this make my butt look big?" and "do you like my new haircut?"

2. Under-tipping. If called for by poor service.

3. Including white paper towels in the composting.

4. Not calling you mother every day. Shoot for every other day.

With this criminal activity as a foundation, I believe we will have a good base going forward for bigger crimes.

For now, let's meet in the treefort. There is a slot on Thursday afternoons we can have. I'm still having trouble finding my way into the new lab, @patrick, but hopefully @xiirth will be able to locate the treefort.

The Alteration Society
3/28/2016 5:39pm

Got my new uniform back from the Alteration Society. Seersucker. With a polytetrafluoroethylene lining. Perfect! Five Stars.

The Alteration Society
3/27/2016 12:19pm

I'm always up for a new set of threads. Hanging my sock in the window tonight.

But what's up with Crime Club? I can't find the door to the new lab. Is that some kind of security feature, @patrick? It will make it hard for new recruits like @xiirth to join up. And with @Nobody out of town, who's in charge, anyway? Isn't it customary to stage some kind of coup in situations like these?

Psychic Crime Club
3/12/2016 5:34pm

When they said that "crime does not pay" (at the career counseling center) I didn't think they actually meant it literally. But now we're 0 for 2 as a crime club. We really need a win, @Nobody. Maybe something easier? Like "candy from a baby" easy?

Psychic Crime Club
3/3/2016 6:11pm

I'm not sure how much more time I can spend in the broiler room for Crime Club meetings. @Nobody? Could we meet somewhere different tonight?

We were in there for so long last night for the planning meeting, it really started to take a toll on my muscle tissue. Not having any skin I have to be extra careful not to get cooked. I tried to sit as far away from the flame as I could, but my instant-read thermometer was getting into the red.

We know @Monterey Jack likes to attend nude (since suits were made optional), but I'm going to need to come dressed in aluminum foil and bring a baster if we're in there for another two hours. Or five. Time gets so erratic with @patrick around, even hiding out in his pocket dimension.

Need help
3/2/2016 12:22am

Time is getting holes in it - like an old sweater. And I'm afraid it's due to @patrick and his uncontrolled time shifting.

Like yesterday, he'd just come back from 4820AD with his new tesseridoodad all excited to hook it up, and then - SEVEN HOURS LATER - he reappeared but seemed to be experiencing the exact same moment he had previously.

Now, I'm only in Chrono Studies 101 with @Lydia Raivata, and I know you're not supposed to cross your own timeline. But with @patrick it's the opposite - there's just one of him but he's repeating the same moments at different times. Or, from his perspective, is he in two moments at the same time, and he's only experiencing it once?

Either way, he's wearing holes in the chronological fabric of reality, and before long it will rip open and we'll all fall out and land on the Floor of Time and get sucked up by the Vacuum of Oblivion.

Isn't this the kind of thing that Time Team is supposed to watch out for? Where is @Nova Toaster? Where is @time pilot terry? Are there any new members of Time Team?

Psychic Crime Club
2/25/2016 2:21pm

I think @patrick might be suffering from time dementia, which happens to people who do too much time travelling. It's not really "dementia" technically, it's just that their temporal gears get stripped so they literally lose their bearings and they don't lock into time gear like you and me.

So I'm sitting at Crime Club, in the raw just like @Monterey Jack, and we see @patrick walk in and start going on about his hydra sword or whatever. And then later he comes back in and does it all again. But it wasn't like he was repeating himself, it was like THE EXACT SAME MOMENT. Weird. Now he's in touch with @Rex Turbo, but IN THE PAST!

I think it might be time for an Time Travel Abuse intervention.

2/20/2016 4:32pm

Being made entirely of steak and bone, it's important for me to keep svelt. But a little marbling is important for keeping that juicy, fresh-from-the-butcher shop look.

Exercise: Each morning I give a special hello to each of my over 650 named skeletal muscles. I say "named" in the sense that I have named them. Troy, Felicia, John Thomas, Eager Dawn, etc. This takes roughly 15 minutes, but I've created a mnemonic song to help me remember them all. Each one is contracted in sequence to let it know it's loved.

Diet: My diet consists entirely of popcorn, celery, and LaCroix sparkling water, though I allow myself to splurge at school group meetings where snacks are present. I belong to roughly 25 such groups, and play a big role in determining what snacks will be available at each meeting.

Complexion Care: Not having an epidermis, it's important for me to keep my pure muscle from cooking via solar radiation, or to become moldy through humidity and lack of adequate ventilation. At night I will occasionally indulge myself in a soy sauce and Worcestershire marinade bath, or, before a date or night out, a simple red wine vinegar and olive oil splash.

Through consistent attention to my appearance, I hope to maintain a soft and supple look well into adulthood, and avoid names like "jerky face" and "rawhide Rick" and other insults I've regularly traded with my brothers growing up on our ranch in Wyoming.

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