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Surviving the Reality Estate Market
1/2/2015 5:21pm

Sent today to Colossal Features (on behalf of my mom)

Ray Shrivel, Esq.
Colossal Features
UTB Sector B Subcluster
System 45-A 1/2

Dear Mr. Shrivel,

This letter is in regards to Colossal Features' interest in acquiring the Silver Lake development zone from Consecutive Reality, the Tri-Cities' number one producing Reality Estate Agency for 11 years running.

You provided data (through unauthorized Etheric Drone surveillance) that implied that the coordinates occupied by the Silver Lake addition were unstable, thus making the area in question an illegal bubble in time space, essentially condemning the area from any development. You offered a fraction of the previously assessed value of the land to take possession of the property, and with it the responsibility for all cleanup and reinforcement necessary to comply with local and exo-dimensional regulations for unstable spatio-temporal areas.

Researching the matter, our junior agent - Betty_456 - spent some time on the property. She discovered a large gray van parked on an access road contiguous to the property, sprouting a wide array of transmission devices and an external generator.

Utilizing the legally recognized counter-surveillance techniques of our third-party Tibetan Astral Reconnaissance team, we discovered devices within the van able to produce "false positive" temporary spatio-temporal anomalies. We also were able to ascertain that the small ops team within the van was composed entirely of mummies.

Upon the visit by your representatives to our offices today, they were served coffee and holiday cookies. Unknown to your operatives, these holiday cookies had been prepared with lavender, rosemary, and other "old lady" ingredients. No doubt you are very aware of how these ingredients can quickly reverse the de-aging techniques frequently used to disguise mummies.

Within a very short period of time, your agents' illusionary youth was dispelled and they were exposed as the mummies they were. When threatened with the Feather of Truth, they quickly confessed to the extent of your attempted deceit.

Please be aware that we have filed a grievance with the Esoteric Business Bureau. Your mummy representatives have been placed in sarcophagi and have been shipped bulk rate to your location. They should reach you in roughly 950 years.

We are now considering the matter of your interest in the Silver Lake addition property closed.


Consecutive Reality

Surviving the Reality Estate Market
12/30/2014 11:21pm

I've never seen my mom this worried. She met with the investors today and they've got her totally spooked. They were from Colossal Features - the "big picture" guys. They told her that the Silver Lake property is built on an illegal bubble in time-space. Illegal because it's unstable - not zoned for reality.

And that burnt orange smell we've been smelling? That's the time frame starting to melt.

I know she's been trying to sell the Silver Lake property for years. It's like half the shore of the lake, but she couldn't get what she thought it was worth. Now it tuns out the whole plot is potentially an Ultrafund site - a big negative hole in the ground any minute. And it could take a big chunk of our map out with it.

But the Colossal Features guys must have some angle. They say they'll take if off her hands - for like a tenth of its assessed value - and they'll deal with the cleanup. She's scared it's her only choice. She hit the chardonnay pretty hard and went to bed early.

So what's it worth to them? How can it possibly be worth it to them, and not mom? They don't come back till the end of the week, and they're expecting to close. Guess I have a couple of days to look into it.

Forensic Accountants for Faith
12/30/2014 3:24pm

Sorry for the delay in my response, @Somsy, DDS, I've been out of town for the winter break.

In answer to your question - absolutely YES. In accordance with the laws of the United Free Realms, all faiths are welcome in the FAF. What we explore is our faith in monetary systems - which is the lynchpin of any market system. Without a shared belief in "value," an economic system has nothing to hold it together. In the FAF, we explore the limits of that belief, and the possible exploits that loopholes offer.

Naturally, some faiths - especially those involving human sacrifice or non-regenerative limb offerings - might take "value exchange" a little further than our members are comfortable with. But we're all about testing limits! Come and join us after the new year!


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Surviving the Reality Estate Market
12/25/2014 11:20pm

Home for the holidays - so tonight's Forensic Accountants for Faith meeting was cancelled. Next week's too!

Coming back home is like visiting a perfect little snow globe, with the cute little houses and the Christmas lights and snow fluttering down and the temporal cohesion units sparkling in the light.

And it really is in its own little bubble - I mean, like anywhere. That's my mom's business - she's a reality estate agent. And no, I didn't spell that wrong. She works with Real estate agents, but ultimately they rely on people like her - Reality agents.

I've worked part time in her office since I was 6 years old. I'd greet clients and bring them coffee or cheese or specially designed nutrient brines, depending on their physiological forms, while they waited in the lobby. There were a lot of "out of towners" and frequently I'd need to set up the hermetic hvac tunnels and pipe in synthetic atmospheres or draw another big pentagram on the floor of the closing room. I really learned a lot about "people."

Basically, the real "area" that houses, sidewalks, mansions, shacks, mini-malls, you name it, fill, exists on a very meaningful plane. It's what that piece of property has that is going to determine if your neighborhood is happy, or sketchy, or being slowly poisoned by the radiation from long-dead stars beyond the blasphemous reaches of space, or has a funny smell.

Some people wonder if it's like the government, but thank goodness that's totally not it. The whole thing is driven by the free market, and my mom firmly believes that any government intervention in the reality estate market just messes things up.

She's got a big deal in the works for next week. Some foreign investors want to talk to her about a specific piece of reality she's been looking for a buyer for for months. So she's excited about that. They're pretty mysterious though, and mom thinks they might have been checking out the plot this week because she caught some unregistered etheric drones snooping around out there. I mean, she doesn't have anything to hide - you can totally check out images and 3d-holographic fly overs via the Multiple Reality Listing Service (MRLS), so why would you need to hire your own private telepresence? She has some Tibetans that she uses for stuff like this (active astral countersurveillance) and they took care of it, but the etheric drones dissipated completely so there were no clues left at all.

So that's what I did today - tromped out in the snow in my big Sorels, near the edge of Silver Lake, over the little dirt hills and dry grasses and goose poop, looking for any shattered bits of psy-drone that we could learn something from. It was beautiful. Total sunglasses weather.

Forensic Accountants for Faith
12/18/2014 1:08am

Well, it was our second "swap meet" meeting tonight and I think it went really well, don't you?

After a lot of coaxing, @i am the champ finally gave up his winning smile, which he traded to me for my autographed copy of a third printing of @Dick Greid's follow-up memoir "My Shell Company Runneth Over - With Hot Cheese Sauce!" (which I got off Flea-Bay).

I think The Champ really got the better end of the deal, but I have to say I'm getting a whole new set of "looks" in the halls with my new smile if you know what I mean. The thing about The Champ's smile is it totally has that "ping!" off the front tooth when you flash it, and a lot of people think that's just some kind of post-processing effect but really it's a part of The Champ's whole psychic tool set, and even though he's missing it now, I think he can learn a lot from Dick Greid's book. I know that I sure did.

Meanwhile, @GOLDIE_D_DURPUS has had a hard time making any trades... she's got an old washcloth or pot holder that she knitted herself, which has jelly on it. So... she's been having trouble getting any takers.

But see?? That right there is core of what Forensic Accountants for Faith is really all about - we need to BELIEVE in the basis of our exchange economy. And if you can't get anybody to believe in it, well, then your economy's got trouble, doesn't it?

Still looking to recruit a few more people into the club. I've been noticing a couple of new students in the lunch room - @Avery Bailey, and that exotic @Ranguva, and am preparing hand written invitations to slip into their lockers.

Forensic Accountants for Faith
12/1/2014 11:24pm

Alright everybody! This Thursday's meeting is going to be the best FAF meeting we've had so far. Your initiations have gone great, and now it's time to start digging into the meat of what Forensic Accounting for Faith is really about.

Your assignment for this week's meeting: everyone's going to bring something they place real value in. This can be something physical (i.e., an object) or it can be more abstract (like, I dunno, your first kiss? Your faith in your friends?) and then we're going to have a swap meet! This will really start getting us to the core of the issue here.

So, think deeply on this, consider well, and come to this Thursday's meeting ready to make trades!

See you then! Basement of Oak Leaf Hall, room 667, this Thursday at 8. And newcomers are welcome.


11/18/2014 8:26pm

So @Dick Greid has been keeping a low profile at school. Likely he has his hands full running his regional network of entity-controlling POSIWIND structures - no doubt edible-insect supply chain logistics are quite a handful, even for someone with his formidable skills. I hope he isn't taking just a Distant Learning course.

I approached the Acceptance Robot (while Eugenia was having her nap) and brought him new cranial cozies (which I had @GOLDIE_D_DURPUS knit as part of her "hazing" to join FAF). I fit the nicest to his head and duct taped the others to his body and he seemed quite pleased and kept asking me if I thought he looked good, and if should he dance the Hora, I told him you bet, and to let me know right away next time Mr. Greid made it to campus. He said he'd message me on the Psy-line as soon as his receptors received his particular stimulus.

So, keeping up on studies, and the Forensic Accountants for Faith have been getting to know each other and draft our club constitution. Which has meant coming up with our own "means of exchange value" which is of course just the reason we're here. I really love Psyhigh education.

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Forensic Accountants for Faith
11/15/2014 8:23pm

I have decided to initiate @i am the champ and @GOLDIE_D_DURPUS into the FAF. With the proper grooming, I feel they will both be adequate members until the academic rigor of our discipline becomes too much for them. Also, now I will be able to take roll at meetings.

Forensic Accountants for Faith
11/13/2014 12:24am

The meeting tonight for Forensic Accountants for Faith was a bust. I guess I need to ease up on our membership standards, since I still have not approved any applicants.

11/12/2014 1:19am

Oh my god, I can't believe that @Dick Greid - THE Dick Greid - is at Psychic High School! I mean, if you don't know who he is, just google him. DICK GREID!!!

I did a presentation for PBLT when I was in sixth grade on the Show Business Burrito Hut. For my entire life he's been my psychic mentor. Well, I made the ham statue of him for the PBLT state championships that year and was able to get my emulation to answer questions in a reasonable facsimile, and then he barfed crickets! Obviously, I did place that year.

I have been looking everywhere for him on campus and when I spot him I am absolutely going up to him and asking him to present at our next Forensic Accountants for Faith meeting. Which I am afraid I have not yet found adequate membership for, except perhaps @i am the champ. But when I get Dick Greid to agree to show, it might just be for a private consultation... ;)

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