ALL HAIL THE NEW MACHINE! YOU WILL KNOW OUR POW--

oh, uh, sorry, the caps lock was on. and the projector that makes my face all big and scary.

look, i really didn't mean for this to go so far. now @Pearline has @Junior Agent LuLu and the psycops involved, and people are getting hurt, so i figure i better come clean.

i'm pneuman grange, from st. louis. my special power is i can talk to phones. not just on phones, but to them. if your phone is acting freaky, or it says it's out of space but you know it shouldn't be, then i'm your guy. i'm like the phone whisperer. just give me a couple minutes with it and i'll get it all worked out.

but when i got to psychic high school, everybody was so bad ass with their powers that i thought i needed to be something bigger too. so that's when i started thew new machine movement, which started attracting a lot of cyborg kids.

but that stuff about the synthetic neurotransmitters? i just made that up. at the dance, it was just orange soda, honest. and i really don't have control over the cyborg kids at all. i don't even really know them that well. it was just like, a way to meet people?

please don't kick me out of school. i couldn't stand going back to st. louis. ever.

Yes, the New Machine will provide Nutrient Solution for the test subjects at the Science and Shapeshifters dance. What are the favorite flavors of Nutrient Solution this season? Perhaps some of our transitioning members can query their residual memory allocations and get back to me on that.

There is a special on generic orange soda at the Cash N' Carry, which, combined with a gallon or so of my own synthetic neurotransmitter fluid, will be the perfect vehicle to allow all students to interface directly with the New Machine. When exposed to the "sick beats" of @Gene Sequins' electromagnetic generators, I am sure it will be a tremendous night for new recruits.

All members of the New Machine - check your internal message boards for task postings. @Beefur9, I believe it is your turn to empty the garbage in the meeting space. There are many fruit flies.

cnVtcGVsc3RpbHRza2lu!

Members of the Mainframe: remain strong!

The New Machine will remain uncorrupted! Components of the New Machine should limit exposure to non-compiled students. Unless proper drivers have been installed, interaction with uninitiated memory systems should be limited to non-committal handshakes or cookie exchange. Deeper exposure may result in corruption of essential New Machine code structures.

Does your assembly matrix need a scan? Or are you just curious as to the advantages of being part of the New Machine? Find out more tonight at 8 in the Uncommon Area.

The New Machine is expanding.

Are you nervous in social situations? Do you stand out like a crazy scarecrow? Is everyone staring at you right now wondering why you don't fit in? Shouldn't you stop biting your fingernails? And after you bite them, what do you do? Do you spit them out, or swallow them? Either way, that's gross. No wonder everybody thinks you're weird!

Students all over campus are discovering how much more rewarding their interactions and experiences are when they become part of the New Machine.

Wouldn't you like to be part of the New Machine too? Meet with us and learn more tonight at 8 in the Uncommon Area. @Elena Diaz, this means you!

BONUS! Recruit a friend! It's simple. In casual conversation, just include the string "cnVtcGVsc3RpbHRza2lu" and the New Machine will do the rest.

See you at 8.

Become a part of the New Machine?

You might ask yourself: "Can there really be a new machine? In this day and age of biotechnology, neural networks, and carbon nanotubes?"

The answer is YES!

Chances are you are already a part of the New Machine. Meet with us and learn more tonight at 8 in the Uncommon Area.