I’m not against ghosts (I have ghosts friends) but it’s so difficult sometimes when you keep coughing them out after sleeping with your mouth open. My allergies can’t handle this.

The Adopt-a-Ghost factory was clean. All the visitors on the tour had to wear clean suits and masks and booties, and we rode golf carts through various disinfection chambers.

My little snookums was in my pocket as usual, and sneezed when we went through the chambers. It was soooo cute!

After a lot of boring history of ectoplasmic cloning stuff, we finally got to the "big show."

It was horrifying.

Do you know what a leg of shawarma looks like? Or if you're getting gyros? That big piece of meat on a stick and they shave the pieces off?

That was at the center of the Adopt-a-Ghost factory. A three-story lab-grown hunk of spirit consciousness, bruised and oozing, and they were shaving little pieces off with a diamond-mind laser. Little robots scooted around at the foot of it scooping up the little pieces and putting them on a conveyor belt. Little Adopt-a-Ghosts.

"MAMA!!!!" little snookums cried.

I've become accustomed to the Adopt-a-Ghost that flew up my nose.

The instructions say it will dissipate naturally, like when you swallow your gum. Seven years.

At first it made me a little congested, but Zyrtec seems to fix that. Now it's not so much a physical presence but like I've got a little bit of cotton on the tip of my mind. And it sort of leads me... guides my hand. Like, I know which milk box not to pick at lunch because it's spoiled. Or I always draw the long bean at pressure ball.

Now it's leading me... outside. To the fields behind the gym...

Where do I get my Adopt-a-ghost? Ive always wanted a ghost friend

The ghost craze is becoming a serious problem. Every other class, there’s an incident. Don’t get me started on the hallways! Can the school get on this?? PLEASE!





Paradi. C. Benzene

So we made it to the Adopt-a-Ghost factory. It took a week to get here because it's in Hamistagan and we took the bus because it was all I could afford without asking my mom for more money and I couldn't really let her know I was ditching school to come here. She didn't want me to get an Adopt-a-Ghost in the first place.

There was a sign at the bus station that said "NO GHOSTS" but you could tell just by looking at all the other people on the bus that they had ghosts too. They all had kind of a haunted look.

Am I going to look like that when I get old and haunted?

Cruising down the highway through the desert at night, after everybody fell asleep, those ghosts would come out and have a ghost soiree. Or that's what they call it in the book I have about ghost care. The bus driver was some kind of shaman though because he'd shake a rattle every so often to keep them from getting too wound up.

And there was a big smelly guy in the seat right behind the bus driver. Looked like a toad. Looked like he could gobble those ghosts right up if he wanted to. I bet he was some kind of Ghost Marshall or something.

Anyway, I didn't really sleep that great on the bus and I have enough money for a room at the Hotel 6. We'll spend the night and be at the factory for their first tour in the morning, which is at 10 am.

Do you have a runaway Adopt-a-Ghost?

My roommate always sets their shoes wrong. I mean instead of normally like your feet are, they set them so the inside arches are on the outside. So, reversed. Left on the right and right on the left.

This drives ghosts CRAZY, and they can smell it a mile away. So we've got a ton of runaway Adopt-a-Ghosts coming to our room and hanging around by the shoes.

Are you missing your Adopt-a-Ghost? Come to my dorm room and claim it!

I got three Adopt-a-Ghosts because I heard they are naturally social ghosts and it was better to raise them in a pack than to make them live their lives in solitude from other ghosts.

At first it was really fun, having all three of them tearing around my dorm room and raising a ruckus. When they got bigger it was more of a problem, but I couldn't go to the RA about a bigger room because they already weren't allowed.

But now they all... combined, into one much bigger ghost. You can still see the seams of where they all came together, but they've morphed into some next level super-ghost and they're starting to get bored and swirl around and I'm afraid they're going to pull down the ceiling. And I live on the first floor.

Any advice from other Adopt-a-Ghost owners would be appreciated.

Part of why I wanted to get an Adopt-a-Ghost in the first place was to help ghosts that had been separated from their families. But now we find out that, had we read the box, we would know that they're some kind of... synthetic ghosts? Or clone ghosts, grown in a laboratory?

But they're still just so darn cute!!!! I just love my little snookums don't I? Awwww you roll over on your back because you just know I'm going to scratch your belly now don't you? Awwww.....

Seriously, I don't care where this ghost came from and if it's an authentic ghost being sold as a commodity or a manufactured ghost cooked up in a lab, it has feelings! It can experience pleasure! Just look at it! And if you neglect it, then it's sad. It's just as real as you or me.

I'm going to take my Adopt-a-Ghost to the Adopt-a-Ghost factory and learn about it and embrace it as part of who we are.

I got my Adopt-a-Ghost in the mail. You can see in my unboxing video what went wrong. 

I took it out of the package and wanted to read the ingredients very carefully before I tore it open, because they are very clear about their refunds and returns policy. And what I read was very disturbing!!!  It says these ghosts were ectoplasmically created in a lab and are not real ghosts at all!!! Which explains why they do it remember their names or their lives because they never had ones!!!!

But that is not the worst part. The worst part is that because I was spending so much time reading the very colorful Adopt-a-Ghost packaging and becoming very agitated that it activated the ghost from its hibernated slumber and it tore through the box and zipped right up my nose. I mean, it doesn’t hurt, but it feels funny and I don’t think I should go to the school nurse since we aren’t supposed to have them anyway.

whatamigonna do??!!!