2000-7-22 Wily Roundhouse
Oh god. Oh shit.
I'm in so much trouble.
I hope I don't get caught. Maybe I won't.
Yeah...
Right.
WHY did I have to go and make that zombie?
I made the zombie out of this dead bum. It was cool at first, he was all gray and green and had spotty hair sticking out everyway and patches of skin rotting off his face and he sort of shambled around doing whatever I said. ZOMBIE RAKE MY YARD! ZOMBIE WASH THE DISHES! ZOMBIE, SOLVE MY DIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS! YES
So everything was going pretty good and I decided to take him downtown on the bus. I made him wear a baseball cap pulled down low and sunglasses so people wouldn't see his glowing red eyes and after sizing him up for a minute I made him put on some of my mom's makeup so his rotting skin would be less apparent.
So I took him downtown on the bus...
Oh shit.
This is so fucking stupid.
What was I thinking.
I took it to Booth High School.
Yeah, I thought it would be real neat to take the zombie in there and have him scare the HS kids, you know, still had a chip on my shoulder from the year I spent at a regular high school before I found out about PsyHigh, I guess. So I take him up to the school and I think oh this is going to be so funny I'm already laughing almost and he starts going hhrrrnns and I say WHAT ZOMBIE? And he goes HHRRRAAINNS and I go WHAT and he says hhhBRAINS! And starts staggering off into the school hallway! Shit he was fast! I did not know zombies could shamble so quickly ha I guess that bum must have been a dine and dash expert in life!
It was a rich kid high school it did not have metal detectors but it had a security guy who said "Excuse me visitors all have to register at the principle's office before HURRKA-AEEIIGGH" he did not finish his sentence because the zombie started eating his head! bLood spattered everywhere and then after my zombie ate part of the security guard's brain the security guard turned into a zombie too! Without a face because my zombie ate his face!
So I'm thinking, ohno I made a CONTAGIOUS zombie, I did not know the spell did that! I did not even think it would work! Argh! I should have stuck with martial arts! Meanwhile the zombies are both chowing down on the janitor and I'm yelling STOP STOP but they don't listen. And then... and then... it gets worse, see. Oh...
The bell rang and let class out.
Look.
I'm going to spare you the details, ok?
It wound up with me and the 300 remaining students barricaded in the gym while like 700 zombies circulated outside and we could hear them dragging their feet and taking uneven plodding crooked footsteps and going hhrraaiaiinnss.. .rbrbrhhaaiiinns! Oh man it sucked. And every once in a while one would get in through an air duct or something and we'd have to smash its head with a fire extinguisher (zombies die if you smash their heads).
I didn't know the anti-zombie spell. I would have had to have actually READ it to KNOW it, see, and it was AFTER the zombie-creation spell in the book, and we all know the order in which these things are done! You need zombies to do anti-zombie work at all! *DUHH SCREW ME FOR I AM AN IDIOT*
So I was really freaked out and I got this steel bar from the weight room and basically just smashed my way out through the hallway between the locker room and the cafeteria. FIGHTING ZOMBIES ON STAIRS SUCKS! I was so scared. Because, how much does it take to turn you into a zombie? One fingernail scratch? A bite? A deep five-finger claw mark across your back? I guess more than that, because I got it all! Or maybe I was immune because I was the "zombie master?" All the zombies were "descendents" of my original one zombie? Shit, I don't know how zombies work! They don't teach that at PsyHigh until you're a senior!
So I got out of the building and called the police from a payphone and the police came and got eaten so they sent in the national guard and a lot of them got eaten so then the army started coming in with flame throwers but they didn't all keep back far enough either so you started having zombies with flamethrowers and finally they just evactuated everyone and blew up the whole block.
Oh, man. I'm shaking as I write this. This sucked worse than the time my cat died. It's just a lucky thing those zombies were so fixated on eating the rich kids, or there could have been real trouble. What if they'd all gotten on greyhound buses and gone to different cities? >shiver< Or gone to the Zoo! And gotten into the exhibits and then we'd have zombie monkeys and kinkajous and shit all jumping around going SKREE SKREEK BRHRAHIINS! Gohd! We got off light this time! Anyway
2000-7-24 Wily Roundhouse
BRAINS
Ha ha just kidding! It looks like I'm OK! I've slept two nights since then and still haven't turned into a brain-eating zombie. If it was gonna happen, it woulda happened overnight! **whew** Oh man, I feel so good. This must be what it's like when your STD test comes back negative.
And it looks like I got away with it, too. Some necro-terrorist group called up channel 6 and took credit for the whole fiasco, claiming it was a terrorist attack! Of course, magic-related stories always get suppressed, but it got back to the administration at PsyHigh and they issued their version of the story to the student body, along with a big warning on the misused necromancy and the dangers of antisocial bitterness in mages. BAD BAD BAD. And in my necro class we had to watch a filmstrip. Hehe the prof hates it when I call it necro class. "Young man, this is eleemosynary necromantic divination and the dispersion of restless spirits, junior section 1 blah blah" I'm dropping this necro class and taking Ancient Japanese next term so I can read the Ninja texts in their original language. LESSON ONE the ninja always chooses life over death!
Oh oh oh! I met this girl, Tara! "The Tibetan Tara, not the Spanish one." I don't know what that means but I was too busy listening to the sound of her voice to ask... oh ... every word, man, every word is like... But she didn't actually talk much. So I wound up rattling on about whatever, stupid shit, you know, whatever it is I talk about. She's tiny, she's like 5' 3". She looks northern European. Actually she looks a lot like Bjork. You know, Bjork: I miss you, but I haven't met you yet / so special, but it hasn't happened yet / you are gorgeous, but wouldn't recognize you yet... Bjork.
so uh...
the silence at the bottom of everything that feels like velvet
yeah.
